How quickly...

...things change.

I took this photograph of our sweet Ashley Kate on Tuesday evening. She "looked" so good! Yet my insides told me there was something going on. I don't know how I new. I just did. As I looked back through last weeks journal entries I was shocked. Almost everyone mentions my thoughts, my fears, my quest to get to the bottom of what was happening. Looking back over those entries and the last three days all I know is that our God is really, really good. He is merciful and He is in control. In the midst of this frightening time I know in the deepest part of me that He is still good.

We were given 6 amazing and blessed weeks at home. Time that we spent making memories. Time that we spent enjoying this beautiful baby and the miracle of her life. She laughed. She played. She snuggled. She grew. She learned. Her newest and sweetest knowledge came in the form of the song, "The Itsy Bitsy Spider." Oh, how I wish I had videod it. She would pull out her little "spiders"( her fingers) and the fun would begin. She had all of us trained to sing and dance on her cue. She was fabulous at bringing down the rain and washing the spider out. What I wouldn't give to see her smiling ear to ear as Dave and Blake "performed" for her.

This morning I was asked," Why do you believe in a loving, kind, and compassionate God? If He is so good then why is this happening? I just don't believe it. I have a hard time with that one."
All I could say is that I don't believe He "did" this to Ash. I can't believe that. I tried to explain why I have the faith that I have. It was so difficult to share my faith during that moment because I don't understand all of this either. I just know what I know, and if God chose to receive our Ashley last night then I would have still believed. With a brokeness I never want to experience I would have gotten up today and still believed He is righteous, and good, and loving, and kind. I don't know how to not believe. I can't do this on my own. I shared how blessed we have been to have had our sweet Ashley Kate. Every moment of her life we have been blessed. I have learned to love like nothing I had ever experienced before. I have hurt that much too, but the joy has been so overwhelming that I can't describe it.

Ashley's CT scan came back and showed that the bottom of both lungs have collapsed. The ventilator is not able to move air into those lobes so they want to place her prone for 12 hours and rotate her every 12. I am nervous, but they assure me this is best. The plan is to allow the lobes to open up and for some reason this should help that to happen. Ash hates her stomach, so at least she is sedated and won't know that she is actually on it. Still no answers for what is inside of her lungs. Every single test and lab have returned negative. This morning we discussed possible aspiration of the gastric juices she had been vomiting. At this time that seems the most likely candidate. Her lungs are very sick and they need time to heal. She is going on TPN tonight for nutrition. I suppose those three little letters will forever be a part of our life.

Dave will be leaving tomorrow morning around 6. I'm trying not to think about it. We are going to spend our evening assembling Allie's birthday party invitations and finalizing the details of her party. I want him to be able to reassure her that it will happen and it will be wonderful. I think he is planning on painting Ashley Kate's toenails pink before he goes to bed tonight as well. Just something he likes to do for his girls.

Thank you for checking on Ash. Thank you for asking your families, your friends, your churches to pray for her. Thank you for your encouraging words and your presence here. It makes it all feel a little more "doable" knowing so many are praying. You are appreciated and loved. Trish