There are moments...

There are moments where I find myself sitting stunned. Absolutely stunned and wondering what happened. In those moments I feel so very alone and even abandoned by all I know to be right and true. The tears burn my eyes and fall onto my lap. I look at her surrounded once again by nurses, surgeons, intensivists, pulmonologists, respiratory therapists, infectious disease teams, and many others. Everyone working on something. Looking for something. I feel like things spun out of control. At one point last night I was looking at this doctor who had intubated Ash, placed a central line into her femoral vein, and was now telling me he needed to put in an arterial line and I crumbled. I told him, "Things are moving too fast. I feel like we are jumping off a cliff and she won't have the strength to climb back up." I cried hard. I was so angry because of what she was being forced to endure. I wanted to protect her and could not. I wanted to stop the world from causing her pain and I could not. I wanted to take my happy, smiley baby home but she was gone. She had changed. No smiles. No happiness. Only struggle. It broke my heart.

Realizing where we were headed and all that we would be facing once again kept me in tears as they worked to stabilize Ashley for the flight. I hurt so bad. Knowing we would be eaving Blake and Allison again was too much to comprehend. Why? Thats what I finally began to whisper. Why? Why? Why? Then the words, "I cant do this again" followed over and over. I could see the tears falling from Dave's eyes and I realized how helpless he must have felt. He kept looking at me and telling me how necessary each and every procedure was. He was scared. He wanted her stabilized. I did too, but as it was happening I felt all of our world crashing down around us. It was happening again and we were going to have to pull ourselves together because the kids were on their way to say good bye.

The events of last night into the early morning hours are all still hazy in my mind. Things don't make sense to me. I mentioned that I felt abandoned and at times that is true. I don't feel His presence when I'm melting into a pile of tears. When my heart is racing as I watch them dig and dig for arteries in my sweet baby. When I look over and realize she isn't breathing. When I see how fragile and how critical she is. I felt abandoned. Alone. Then my mind settles and my heart softens as it breaks. I see His hand everywhere. It's on her. Exactly where I want and NEED it to be. He is providing each breath that she takes. Whether it be by lungs or machine He is the provider of each and every one. Her heart continues to beat. Her body fights. This team of people have been trained to help get her through this. Yes, the things they do cause her pain and yes everything inside of me is fighting not to stop them. Still I know He is using them for His glory. He has brought them to this place and brought our sweet Ashley Kate to this place and the point at which they meet is where I witness His miracle. Time and time again I witness as He orchestrates many, many lives to this exact moment and uses their skill to pull her through. It is nothing short of amazing. If you could only see. I am not abandoned. I am not alone. He is still in control of this uncontrollable situation.

Tonight she appears to be stabilizing once again. She has managed to remain off of the oscillating ventilator. Something I was told all day long we would surely be on by now. Her blood pressure has recovered and is now stable. Her kidneys still struggle, but she has avoided dialysis to this point. She is bruised and battered all over her tiny body from more procedures than I could even describe, but she is holding her own. Inside of her paralysis hides my stubborn little girl. The one who will prove to them that she still has it in her. Across the room from her sits a mommy and a daddy who will go to the very ends of this earth and farther if it is required to give her the best life possible. Through the door walks a nurse who loves her. Not just takes care of her, but who loves her and wants what is best for her. What a gift that is in this place. My head aches and my heart hurts. My eyes burn from lack of sleep and my body is worn down from the stress of the last 24 hours. Still I know we have come back to the right place. The place we are supposed to be with our little pickle when she gets into trouble. They will do the very best they can to support her systems and to respond to what her body tells them she needs until she pulls through. As hard as it is to say at a time like this I have to still admit that I am thankful and even when I feel abandoned and alone He is still faithful.

We are praying for a quiet night of rest for both Ashley Kate and ourselves. Praying for fun to filter into Blake and Allie's weekend so far away so that they may not feel the hurt I saw in their eyes. Praying for healing of Ashley's lungs. For breath. For oxygen. For air. She must have it to survive. As always we are humbled by your posts. Your words of support and cries to the Father are so precious to our hearts. Thank you again. Trish