I'm not dreaming

Dave and I fell asleep together in a chair a few hours ago. It was made for only one person, but somehow we managed to snuggle in close and drift off to sleep. I woke up with my heart racing as I looked around and realized where we were. This is not dream. The sounds. The smells. The breaths of the ventilator. The monitors numbers and lights. My head was fuzzy as I scanned the room looking for the kids. They could not be found. Then my eyes rested on the bed that holds my sweet, sweet baby. Unbelievable! I can't believe she is here again. There is no Blake and Allie. There is no crib. There are no toys to trip over as I stumble into the bedrooms to check on our children.

Ash is hanging in there. Her familiar face has disappeared and is lost somewhere underneath the swelling. I would say its unrecognizable, but I've seen her this way before. I leaned over and kissed her fingers. No longer tiny, but swollen and hard. Her daddy laid across her and softly placed kisses on her forehead. I stood back and cried. I don't know what else to do. We are so helpless. I have no idea how long it will be before we can hold her or how long it will be before she opens her eyes again. I miss her so much. If you only knew how precious those twinkly eyes are. She has such an ornery grin that melts my heart. When she plays and applauds herself for doing something only she knows warranted those applause all I can do is stare in amazement at how wonderful she is. I want that back. I want to see her smile and I want to hear her giggle. I want to watch her snuggle up next to Blake on the couch. I want to see her riding on Allie's hip as they stomp through the house. I want to take her outside and watch her eyes light up when she sees them outside playing. What excitement!

God was good to us today. He gave us two of our favorite nurses for our first day here. If I could have chosen who I wanted to take care of Ashley Kate I would have picked them. They are my friends and I love them so much. They have made it a little easier. We were able to laugh a lot and catch up. They allowed me to cry when I needed to cry. They know how hard it is for us to be back here. They did such a good job with our baby. How grateful I am to God for giving them to us! I can't bear to see strangers touch Ash. It hurts so bad to see people I don't know taking care of my baby. I need them to love her as they do the necessary things for her. I need to know that she is important to them and to know that they she is more than just a patient.

I had hoped this was only a bad dream, but its not. Its not disappearing and I'm not home with Ash tucked in her crib. I don't know when we will get back there. Please, God let it be soon. Let us go home and play. Let us wake up and see the place we love so much. Please!