The days are adding up

Its been 20 days since I have seen Blake's smile. Its been 20 days since I have brushed Al's hair. Its been 20 days of separation from two of the coolest kids in the world. I can't even believe its already been 20 days. I miss them so much!

Its 22 more days until I see Dave. 22 more days until I can feel his hug that I miss so much. 22 more days until he walks through the door of our pickle's hospital room and makes her eyes light up. 22 more days.

Its been 25 days since Ashley Kate was in our home. Its been 25 days since she played with her toys. Its been 25 days since she snuggled with Blake. Its been 25 days since she was kissed by Allie. Its been 25 days since she slept in her nursery. Its been 25 days. I can't believe our home has been without her for 25 days. A little yellow house without Ash is not as happy as it is with her. I'm so sad they all have to stay there while she is gone. The rooms are quiet. The toys aren't scattered. I don't know how they do it. They all miss her so very much.

I have no idea how many more days we will be here. We were supposed to put the holidays in motion in our little house on this coming Saturday. Instead it will stay empty of holiday decorations, music, lights, and tradition. November 1st is always a sad day for me to be in Omaha.

Dave's heart is sad. He put my bracelet in his pocket all day to feel close to me. He folded Ash's laundry tonight and smiled at the tiny size of the pickle's skirt. He misses her so much. I wish she were home tonight.

Tomorrow Dave and Al have a date. Shopping at the mall in the morning, lunch at the restaurant, and High School Musical 3 at the matinee. She is so excited, and believe it or not her dad is too. Not so excited about the shopping and movie(he thinks he might puke!), but so excited to have a day to spend with the most beautiful 10 year old girl in the world. Blake's too grown up to get out of school for teachers conferences and went to bed secretly wishing he was back in grade school. Poor guy, slaving away over Algebra and Texas history while the other two are hanging out.

I think Ash and I are going to snuggle up on the rug tonight. I just want to be close to her and its been a few days since we have been able to do that. She spent most of this week in the crib to weak to move let alone be snuggled on a pallet. I'm just gonna breathe in the sweet smell of hair and hold her little hand as I sleep. I love her so much and watching her go through this illness is killing me. It really does get harder and harder.

Dave and I are finally letting it sink in. We've still been in a little bit of denial believing we might come home soon this time, but were starting to accept it. Life for Ash is going to be a series of ins and outs in this hospital and as much as I hate to admit that its exactly what its proving to be. Our sweet girl deserves to have a wonderful, carefree childhood free from pain, but that is not what she has been given. It makes us all the more determined to live each day to the fullest, to allow her to experience as much as she possibly can. How I hope we get her to that castle on Christmas day. We desperately need to escape the reality of transplant life even if only for this one week. Our kids need this trip. They need this time together. Dave and I need to watch them be silly and carefree. How healing it would be to our hurting hearts to have that week to make magic happen for them all. I had such wonderful surprises in store for the 3 of them.

Our hearts hurt tonight. We are lonely. Longing to be together in our little yellow house again. Its not easy for any of us. The guys don't cry near as much as us girls but you sure can hear the sadness in their voices.

Father, you know the pain we are in. You see what our tiny girl goes through each day, and only You can intervene and make this different for her. I ask not because You owe us anything, but I ask because You are merciful and You love us. If You will, if it could be part of your plan for our family, please take us home. Allow us to take her back where she is safe and she is loved. Where the tears don't fall so freely and the days are precious to our hearts. I don't understand and I accept that maybe I'm not supposed to. You must have a bigger plan. Please protect my son's heart. Please comfort Allison Brooke as she lays down to sleep. I'm trusting You to get us through once again. I can't do this on my own. My heart is breaking. Our children are hurting. My husband needs us. You know all of this. Please have mercy on our baby and heal her body. Take us home.