Here we go Again

The official results still are not in, but the head of the transplant program looked at the slides and in his opinion, his gut feeling, she is still in rejection and has been this entire time. He does not agree that she has CMV (it seems no one agrees about this issue. Some say she does, some say she doesn't)and just feels as though this and all complications she has been experiencing are due to the rejection in her small intestine. He decided to throw in a another round of the steroid to try and calm things down while they wait for pathology and develop a plan. She is currently receiving it.

Things are so confusing right now. The plan changes daily and sometimes multiple times a day. Each week a different doctor comes on service and along with that change comes other changes. They do not know if the next round of treatment(thymoglobulin) will work or not. I asked and they shrugged their shoulders and said, "We have had some luck with it in the past. Some respond well and some don't."

All I can do is cry. At some point I will pick myself back up and be ready to fight, but I can't express to you how very tired I am. I rock our baby and I hold her so tightly. Nothing else in this world matters. My children are my very heart. Some one asked me about the election yesterday and all I could do was laugh. Nothing is important when you are watching one of your children suffer. When you are longing to hold the hand of your ten year old beauty as you walk in and out of the store. When you desire nothing more than to snuggle and fight for every inch of the blanket with you 13 year old son as you watch the World Series. When you would give everything you have to feel the arms of your best friend hold you tight as you struggle to fall asleep through your tears. When what would give you the most happiness in the world can be found inside the walls of a little yellow house in the big state of Texas. The whole world could fall apart and it doesn't really matter. My sweet Ashley loves home.

"This by no means is the end of the road." That's my encouraging news today. She is sick. She is hurting. She has a long, long way to go until she recovers, but we are not at the end. They still have a few options. I'm clinging to those words knowing that God can make this happen. If He will. He can make this happen.

The next few days will be more than difficult for Ash. For sure at least a week will be tough, but maybe, just maybe, she could turn around and begin to heal. Perhaps once her body starts to heal then our hearts will too. For now though they are broken. As broken as her body.

Thank you for your prayers. Sincerely, your words bring me to tears. I am so, so grateful.