Where Are We?

Still here. Exhausted. Past the point of needing a good night's sleep. Uninterrupted, deep, lost in my dreams kind of sleep. I can't tell you how long its been since I've slept more than an hour at a time because I've lost track.

Ash is still not feeling well. Her fever has not returned, her blood cultures have shown no growth. That' really good news. Her cough? Still here. Still causing vomiting. She is grumpy, and unhappy, and frustrated with all the coughing she has going on. I allowed her to be naked(except for her diaper) the first couple of days while she was so hot with her fever, but since it broke I dress her each day in hopes of her feeling as good as she looks. So far its not happened. Each day when she hears the bath water running or sees me walk in with an outfit piled in my hands she starts to fuss and shake her head "no, no" at me. I guess when your 3 and you don't feel good you wonder what your mom's problem is and why she insists on making you get out of bed and sit up. I'm just assuming that's what is going on in that little head of hers behind those eyes that tell me she' s really had enough of my issues. Anyway, that's how she's feeling. Not as bad as it has been, but still not good.

She has PT today. Not sure how well its gonna go, but I'm sure she can survive. We've had her standing a few times this week even though she insists she doesn't want to. Honestly, I'm not torturing her. She thinks I am, but I'm not. She does seem to perk up a little after she's forced to be dressed and out of the bed. If I allowed Ash to do nothing for the rest of her life she would. She's content with not standing or walking. She doesn't think there is a problem. It the rest of us would just get on board with her plan then life would be good. Problem is that she is weighing close to 30 pounds. Lifting her in and out of a bath tub, up into the car, etc, etc, is getting difficult. It this child refuses to walk then she will eventually be stuck in one spot and really dirty because I don't see myself having the ability to carry around a 50 pound child at the age of 7 or 8. Its just not possible.

Last night in my tired frame of mind I started to panic. About things that mean nothing in the here and now of today, but when my mind starts drifting into the future this tends to happen. Ash will be 4 this fall. 5 next fall. What does that have to with anything? Kindergarten. It makes me cry. It all makes me cry. I have more questions then I do answers. I have more panic attacks about the how the when and the where then I do plans. Dave asked me a simple question about faith and does it ever waiver in the midst of all that goes on in this world. OK, maybe it wasn't really a simple question, but it should have been simple to stay on task and just answer it. Instead it sent me down this path of what will I do and how will I teach her and where will we find the resources she needs and if I will know this or that. Its crazy. I think I'm crazy(or possibly just tired). Anyway, the whole point of this is to share what my husband reminds me of every once in a while. Its just a thought he's had, and it seems to calm me down when I chase these rabbits. Home school. Why did we do it for so long? Why did we choose to school Blake and Allie at home for 7 or 8 years?(Did you know we used to home school our children? I'm not sure if I've ever told you that before or not?) How did we stumble upon that path? Well, I thought I knew that answer. I've always said it was about character. Plain and simple. I wanted their character to be strong, unwavering, grounded before I sent them "out" there. That was the reason, at least I used to think it was. Until Dave shared with me that he thought perhaps it was one way God was preparing us to raise Ashley Kate. Huh? What?

When I start freaking out about how will I ever figure out how to teach Ash things like colors, numbers, phonics, etc. etc. he reminds me that I will do it just like I did when teaching Blake and Allie. I will start with the basics, and as she learns one thing we will go on to the next and then the next and then the next. Its easy. We just teach. We show her. We allow her to learn. That's all there is to it. It may take a little longer, it may be a little more challenging, it may never even happen, but we wake up each day and we teach.

So as I look across the room at my tiny baby girl bundled up in the recliner and pulling her lips off(because you know that she's coughing and something is to blame for it. Might as well be her lips) I think that today we will pull out our flash cards and keep on keeping on. I think she's starting to get it. Yesterday she was holding a red apple in her hand and a fish puzzle on her lap. I didn't get the connection between the two toys. As I watched her play with them both she began to tap, tap, tap on the red fish and show me the apple. I said, "Apple". She signed the word apple. Tap, tap, tap on the red fish. I said, "Fish". She pointed for me to sign "fish". Its one of those words she knows she knows but doesn't sign for herself. So I signed "fish" for her still not getting the connection she was so clearly pointing out to me. "Apple", "Fish". "Apple", "Fish". Over and over again. She was clearly trying to tell me something. Then all of a sudden I got it. Red apple, red fish. Colors! She was connecting it. She had a RED apple in her hand, and there was a RED fish on her puzzle board. I finally got it. She knew what the whole point of that exercise was the whole time. It just took me a while.

Now, who do you think needs kindergarten more? Me or her? Honestly, there are days when I think it me. This baby is smart. So smart that sometimes I miss what she's telling me because I'm not quite on the same level as she is.

She's going to be fine. No, our faith doesn't waiver in the midst of this crazy world, and yes I do need a good long nap. All is well in our little yellow house. We're all still here, and now its time to run her bath water. Wish me luck!