Not going to happen

For our anniversary Dave booked us one of our favorite get aways for a couple of nights this weekend. Its been close to 4 years since the two of us went away to spend any time together. I wasn't thrilled. Let me clarify. Yes, I was thrilled at his thoughtfulness and the idea of it just being the two of us visiting under the stars and surrounded by absolute beauty, but not thrilled about the idea of leaving Ashley Kate behind. We've gone back and forth about this for a week and he feels very strongly about us doing this. I on the other hand feel very strongly about caring for Ash and the idea of someone else having that responsibility even for just a couple of days doesn't sit well with me. It just seems like time away together is a luxury that our life doesn't afford us at this time. Currently Ash has a central line, is on TPN, requires replacement fluids every 12 hours, and add to that her feedings and med schedule and its just a little much to ask someone else to take on. She gets sick SO fast and I couldn't forgive myself if it happened while we were away enjoying ourselves. What if her g-tube got pulled out? We'd be two hours away. What if her line dressing came off? We'd be two hours away. What if she spiked a fever? Started vomiting? Felt awful? We'd be two hours away.

Well, I had almost consented and talked myself into taking the little trip with him today(we were supposed to leave in the morning) until...she spiked a fever this afternoon. A really high fever. Then she began to vomit. Lots of vomit. Projectile while driving down the road. She's not feeling well. Somethings up. Her nose started running and her cheeks are really flush. I drew cultures from the line, drained her tummy, gave some meds and now I'm waiting. Waiting for the orders to be sent to the lab and for results to start coming back. Hopefully we won't hear anything. That means her line was clear and there is no infection brewing in the blood.

I haven't told Dave yet. He'll be in from the office shortly. It just seems like its not going to happen. For a while anyway. I know he's going to be disappointed(I am too). I know we need time. Its important. Its the finding how to make it for each other thats a struggle. I'm not sure when or if we will ever get back to that place when spending a weekend away together to rejuvenate is possible again. For today all I know is that its not going to happen and Ash is getting sick. Again.

We're all exhausted. Its been a LONG winter and tomorrow is the first day of spring. My prayer is that Ash's health will become more and more stable the closer we make it to summer. Maybe Dave and I can spend an evening watching a movie together or something like that. I like being home, and at least I won't have to worry about all of this happening on somebody else's watch while were away taking long walks and holding hands. It would have been really difficult to pretend I was concentrating on us when my mind would have been consumed with thoughts of how Ash was doing. In the end I think things have a way of working out the way they were supposed to anyway.

Someday life will become a little more predictable and taking trips again will be possible. Its just not today.