Serious Consideration

It never fails. I just don't get it. If I mention, talk, or write about Ash feeling good, doing better, looking great then ...CRASH. All of sudden things change and I hear myself saying, "What happened?" Its getting so old.

Ash had one of her best weeks in a long, long time... until I mentioned how grateful I was for it. The moment I put it out there things changed and I honestly thought that if I shared it then I'd lose it. Sure enough she woke yesterday morning with fever. It lasted all day long. Then the vomiting started up. Full force. Projectile all over the car while I was driving to pick up the kids. It covered the back of the drivers seat and my hair! The diaper bag was full of it. Her car seat soaked, and she was scared. Really scared. The look on her face in the rear view mirror was awful and I couldn't get pulled over fast enough to help her. I think it was a total of 6 or maybe 7 episodes on the 15 minute drive. It exhausted her. Next came the high stool output. All of this fluid loss led to the need for IV replacements confirming in my mind that even though she has come off of TPN that we still need this crazy central line. Its much easier to give her fluids with one then having to run to the hospital for an admit, an IV, and re hydration. UGH!

I have no idea what today will be like, but I'm hoping its better for her than yesterday. She has 2 evaluations this morning. One at 9am and the next at 11 and by 1pm she should be all done. I don't expect too many more. I think every one will have all that they need after today.

So it feels like I'm under attack. It really does. I almost feel as though I shouldn't share any details about Ash when she is well because as soon as I say I'm feeling blessed, good, or confident that she's turning the corner then it all falls apart. I get tired of sharing the ugly stuff. Really tired. It exhausts me to live it and I can't imagine how exhausting it would be to read about it. Not to mention discouraging. With all this going on I'm giving silence some serious consideration. Maybe I should just stay quiet? (Ok, I know Dave is cracking up about that last statement. He's been trying to get me to be quiet for 17 years and its never worked. I'm not so sure quiet is the solution. Maybe quieter?)

Hope your day is blessed. I'm fixing to jump into mine. Have a great one.