Trust

This was our beautiful 5 year old baby, breathing all on her own, oxygen saturation's 98%, clear lungs, amazing chest x-ray on Thursday, August 12, 2010. I trusted this child, this irreplaceable child, the one I would lay my life down for if only she could keep hers, to a group of radiologists and anesthesiologists because I was told I had to. I signed consent for a 10 minute procedure expecting her airway to be secured. The anesthesiologist returned to the pre-op room, told me since the procedure was expected to be so quick that she would just sedate her and monitor her vitals as the drain was being placed. I breathed a naive sigh of relief and thought to myself, "ok, this one isn't going to be so bad". How foolish I was!



This is my beautiful 5 year old baby, who was returned to me last night, from interventional radiology with a drain extending out of her lower abdomen. She was also returned to me in this condition, no longer breathing on her own, or with a clear chest x-ray, but instead with a tube shoved down her throat, with an explanation that sent chills down my spine. Ashley Kate's oxygen saturation's instantly dropped from 97ish% to 80%, they increased her oxygen flow through a nasal cannula that had been placed and it made no difference. They began to hand bag breaths into her lungs which had become very "tight". It was difficult to get them to expand with the forced air. They looked down and saw a green fluid dripping out one side of her mouth. Instantly they knew she had aspirated stomach content during the procedure. They suctioned out her mouth, placed a tube down her throat, and returned our baby to me in this condition.



When I type that words do not express what my heart needs to share I honestly mean that. Last night I was told she would only need to be supported through the night and that they would expect to extubate her first thing this morning. It is not to be. Even though they thought she just need to have her metabolic acidosis issues resolved, they were mistaken. This was and is a respiratory failure intubation. She can no longer breathe on her own. She will remain on the vent until the time comes that she can be weaned from the high settings she began to require overnight.

There continue to be a few readers who almost sound "gleeful" in the words that they type to me when life becomes more painful that words can ever describe for my family. I assure you this morning that if I could block you from ever opening the pages of this sacred journal again that I would. The poison that you spew toward me is not necessary. I feel as though you are on a "death watch" and that if that moment ever comes and the life of my daughter is lost that then and only then will you be satisfied. I have never met you. I have no idea why you take such joy in my pain. If I had lost all sense of who I am(which I assure is slipping from my grasp) I would call you out, publish your comments publicly and allow the supporters of my family to handle this for me. Still, although I don't feel you deserve it, I will try and handle you with grace. It is taking all sense of my decency to do so.

The trust that I placed in the hands of this team of professionals is slipping from my grasp. That is honest. They know that. We discuss it openly. I respect them. I admire them. I still need them. I say all of that to let you know that there will come a day that Dave and I place our most precious Ashley on a plane and leave this place. We will only return to it if they decide to give her another chance by re-transplanting organs into her body. At this time I have agreed to remain until she is once again stabilized, breathing on her own, and a line has been placed into her body. At that time, she will be transferred back to our team in Shreveport. I trust them. They love my daughter. I 've seen it in there eyes. We are doing the very best we can in the worst of situations for our family. We are being attacked from every angle, and I do not understand where our God is at this time. Let me assure you that I know He is near, I just can't see His face through my tears. Your prayers for my husband and I as we try and hold our family together would mean more to me than almost anything on this earth. Being trumped only by your prayers for my sweet Ashley.

I trust you with my heart. I trust you with her story. I trust you to try and find HIS story and HIS face through her journey and her pain. It is only because I trust those of you who love her that I will remain the story teller on this journal. My heart can't take much more of the poisonous words of those who seem to hate us. I don't trust that they love my baby. I just don't.