One more day
This day is coming to its end and I sit back and breathe deeply as I remind myself that we have made it through one more day.
For some reason I carried around a heavy sadness inside of my heart that I just couldn't shake. I fought back tears for most of it and tonight the sting of the tears in my eyes seems too difficult to hold in. I'm tired. Tired of the worry, the stress, the hurt. I can't explain why it has hit me so hard today. There is no particular reason. Its just been one of those really hard days.
Ashley Kate sits on the lap of the one she adores and shes giggling that sweet, uncontrollable giggle that comes from the joy inside of her heart. She is smiling so wide. She is safe. She is happy. She feels none of the sadness and carries none of the weight that my heart does tonight. I'm so grateful for these moments I'm witnessing. I'm so thankful she has a daddy that adores her as much as she does him. I don't want to feel sad. I want to embrace the happiness that our sweet girl feels at this moment, and yet its the image in front of me that makes me hurt so deeply knowing it won't last forever. Our time is short. Its running out. It is.
There are so many things I still want to do. So many things I hope for Ashley Kate. I'm not ready. I don't want her to have to endure transplant again. Not yet. I just want her to live like she is now. Truth is though her line is not looking good this week and the reality of our world is slapping us once again. My prayer is that the problems will resolve and that we will have the opportunity to keep living with her joy, her laughter, her carefree smile surrounding us day after day after day.
There is a very heavy weight on my heart tonight and oh how I wish I could remove it.