Hope to Escape It

Its been a week to the day since our Ashley's central line ruptured in the early morning hours. It is once again the early morning hours and although I had hoped against all hope that we would escape such a dangerous situation without a line infection I knew it wasn't probable.

This morning Ash is running a temperature, a little trembly, and vomiting differently than her norm. All signs and symptoms are pointing toward the line infection I had hoped to escape. Nothing is for confirmed as of yet, but I've been in this place with her many times before. We will be sending cultures to the lab in just a few hours. She has an appointment in Shreveport at 9 in the morning, but I think I'll reschedule it for next week and make an appointment with her pediatrician instead. He can get things going such as IV meds at home quicker than can be done from Shreveport. I'm hoping to get into his office as soon as it opens. Ash is just not feeling well enough to make the drive to Shreveport.

She had a great day. Happy, playing, smiling. Not signs of illness. About 11:30 Dave notified me he thought Ash wasn't feeling well and asked me to check on her. I've been sitting by her bed ever since. It still amazes me just how quickly things can change. Literally from one hour to the next.

I feel slammed by reality. Our reality. Transplant reality. Infection, hospital admissions, deaths. It surrounds us in this crazy world. My heart is heavy. Its hurting. I sit by her bed praying to our Father knowing He is the only One Who can make sense of any of this and wishing for once that I would be given some wisdom or insight into the meaning of it all. My mind has been consumed with thoughts of transplant all day long. It dawned on me this morning that there are so few of us left. I mean, so few of the children in our "group" of transplant children still living. Just shy of 5 years into this world and only 6 children including my Ashley that we know and love are still here on this earth. Only 4 of those six do I know personally. When I allow my heart to remember the faces of the tiny souls we have lost over the last 5 years I can't keep the tears from falling from my eyes. In the back of my wallet resides an old slip of paper. On that slip of paper I record the names of those precious lives whom I have had the honor of loving on this journey as I hear of their entrance into eternity. Much to my horror my list gets longer and longer and longer. I never want to forget the impact that each life has made on mine.

I'm praying my Ashley turns a corner tonight for the better and that she is able to stay here in her home to battle whatever has invaded her tiny, broken body.