Friday afternoon I walked to the mailbox. Inside it I found two or three envelopes. As I walked up the walk back toward the front door one of those envelopes jumped out at me. The return address was the all too familiar Nebraska Medical Center envelope. I figured it was just a reminder of this or that or perhaps something from the billing department(there has been some confusion with a current patient and Ashley in that department and we are being billed for their pharmaceuticals. How does that even happen?). I didn't realize right away what the content of that envelope actually held so once I opened it up I was snapped back into our reality instantly.
Inside the envelope I found a document informing me that the hospital and the insurance company had reached an agreement and that the following had been approved. Intestine Cadaver. Pancreas Allograft. Liver Graft. Musculoskeletal Surgery.
What about those words made me hold by breath unintentionally? Why did they snap me back, take me by such surprise, and send a physical pain through me that went straight to my heart? How can words on a page do such things?
I think I can answer it today. Death. Of a child. A hole left in a family. Grief. Pain. Loss. It all must happen for it not to happen in our life. That is the reality that Dave and I live in. Even though I can distract our hearts for a while with plans of busy schedules, vacations, and birthday parties it all comes back to this reality. Ashley Kate will only survive once another child does not. In moments like this I am rendered speechless. I have no understanding why this world works the way that it does. I can't interpret God's plan. I don't get it. Any of it. NONE of it makes sense to me.
I hate that word. Cadaver. I hate what it has done to my heart over the last few days. I hate that I lie awake at night wondering who, when, where, how or if ever. I hate this place that we have been put in. I hate that my sweet Ashley will be thrown back into the middle of it all to battle her way out just to have the opportunity to live the life she loves. It all makes me so very sad. My heart is heavy today. So heavy that even carnival projects can't lift the weight of it all.