Heavy

There are days when the journey that lies ahead of us weighs on my heart so heavily. I feel its physical presence in my life and I can't shake the weight of it all.

Tonight I feel the crushing presence of what the future does and does not hold. It hurts so much. On a night when I want to get lost in the warm glow of the tree lights, and the music that floats through our home I'm fighting an internal battle. My chest is so, so heavy. Its my heart. The burdens, the fears, the worries, the whole of it crushing me and filling my heart with those things that I so desperately want to ignore.

Ashley's line is struggling tonight. I'm trying not to panic. We've found ourselves in this place more times than I can count over the last 6 years. Even over the last year knowing we have no other options but for this line to hold on we've been in this place. I don't know why or what the cause of it is, but I'm holding on till our appointment in Shreveport on Thursday. Doing my best not to allow the struggle of it to steal from our family what should be a wonderful time of the season. Just days before celebrating Christmas day I shouldn't be battling the weight of this journey, but the loss of blood return in both lumens of her line has thrown me. Two days ago we lost return in one lumen then tonight the other. Just this morning we drew labs and although sluggish the blood did come back. Now...we have nothing. It makes me so afraid. Trying my best not to cry tonight. Trying not to allow fear to overcome me. Trying to be still...to be thankful that both lines are infusing. Knowing that without the ability to infuse into those lines the journey would be coming to an end for us. With that in my field of perspective I can try and focus on what we do have right now.

My plan is to take her to her appointment Thursday morning and then ask them to send us down to admitting and over to procedures to have both lumens infused with TPA. Its worked before. I need it to work again.

I'm just feeling nervous tonight. Knowing we have an infection in the line and now having functional difficulties with it I'm beginning to lose sight of what I've worked so diligently to provide for my children this week. A holiday at home. Another Christmas together. More memories. We so desperately need to make more memories. Happy ones. Filled with time in our home. Dave and I need it. Blake and Allie need it. Ashley Kate needs it.