I realized yesterday as I watched my sweet girl play that somewhere along the way in this journey we had finally crossed over. I don't know at exactly what point it happened. It actually just snuck up on us. Without counting it, or paying much attention to it, or even documenting it...it still happened.
I wasn't expecting it to happen. I was just living each day. Living each day with Ash. Making them count. Memorizing as many moments as I possibly could loving our little girl with all that I possibly could.
There are now more good days in her world than bad.
Let that sink in for a moment.
The realization of that almost paralyzed me in the moment that it came. More good days than there are bad days. How BLESSED are we!
In the life of our soon to be 7 year old daughter, the one who wasn't going to make it, was never going to leave a NICU, would never survive transplant, who was left as a shell of her former self after ex-plant, and who came home to live out her final days however short they may be, and is facing another almost impossible multi organ transplant...is now having more GOOD than bad.
There is more laughter than there are tears.
There is more anticipation about tomorrow than dread.
There is more hope than fear.
There is more joy than we ever knew possible.
There is more celebration about her possibilities than grief over her losses.
There are more days at home than in a hospital.
There are more days "healthy" that not.
When did this happen for her? for us?
It happened in the very midst of living out the impossible. While being determined to live a life of quality even if it meant sacrificing a life of quantity.
Of course there are unimaginable decisions, and obstacles, and surgeries, and transplants, and difficulties that lie ahead...we just choose not to dwell there anymore. None of that can be changed, but we can live moment by moment and acknowledge the amazing days and moments in between all of those realities.
I guess I'm just blessed beyond description at this time because I witness my baby laughing more than crying. I didn't know if I'd ever have days like that again. If she would ever have days like that again. The memories, the photographs, the scars left from those days two short years ago remind me of all I feared we had lost...forever lost. Instead though, our Father restored, and gave to us all a joyful, beautiful, blessed, happy, little girl. She is so much more than we were told she could be. She is the most amazing child. She lives in joy. JOY! Like you've never experienced. It is indescribable. She finds happiness and laughter and joy in the midst of the smallest things in this life.
More good days than bad. What a gift!