Here we go again

The phone rang in the early morning hours...both lumens...both positive for growth...both growing gram positive and gram negative rods.

All I could do was lay there and listen as Dave spoke with the lab and  the thought that came to mind was...here we go again.

Yesterday a friend sent me a text saying, "I wish she could live without a line."  That was all it said.  That one sentence said it all.  My response?

"Life would be easy if that were the case."

I think that pretty much sums it all up.  Our life would be too easy.

I watched Ashley Kate sleeping last night and I stared at her sweet face for a very long time.  As I memorized her face I realized that somewhere along this journey I quit asking questions...quit looking for answers...quit trying to figure her life out.  I quit.  I don't know why.  Maybe I just got tired of trying to make sense out of things that were happening that made no sense at all.

As we jump back on board with the round the clock IV antibiotics and locks I wish that her life could be different, but have come to the place that I know it never will be.  In the grand scheme of it all...its ok...as long as she has life.  A life of quality.  A life of laughter.  A life of experiences.  A life of memories.  A life.

She is playing fever free this morning.  I've seen no trembling and she has yet to vomit.  All symptoms of line infection are gone, but we know its still there.  She's not as happy, smiley, funny, or giggly as she normally is. I'm grateful she's not miserable.  I'm not scared when she's sick like this.  I suppose I should be afraid.  I'm just grateful instead.

 I can't change any of this for her.  As much as I wish I could.  At the end of every day I know we are still facing another transplant if there is ever to be a day in her future that she might live without a line.  That is what I'm scared of.

Brutal honesty.  Admitting it.  Saying it out loud.  I am afraid of the next transplant.