Just a breath away...

Tonight has been so full of surprises for us in Ashley's room. Our tiny Ashley is very, very ill tonight. She is so exhausted from all of her vomitting that she has absolutely no fight left in her. She doesn't even fuss when the doctors or nurses approach her bed. This tells me she is tired.

I am so very grateful to have been moved back down into the PICU tonight. He knows what is best for us even when we resist. Only the Father knows the future and He could very plainly see that this is where Ash needed to be. Life and death are only separated by a single breath and tonight my heart was truly tested. My little Ashley was in my arms when she began to cough and vomit. I was holding her so she would not choke when she began to asperate the vomit into her lungs and she could not breathe. My heart began to pound in my chest as she went totally limp in my arms. Ash was no longer breathing and I saw the fear in her eyes. I was pounding on her back while our nurse was coming in to help. The RT and two nurses came in and began to deep suction Ash. How frightened I was while I watched as Ash came back around. She was still limp for a little while but then she began to cough. Her sats have been dropping all night and she is now up to 4 liters of oxygen. The doctor has talked about placing her back on the ventilator if she tires out tonight. Her chest x-rays are not looking very good tonight, and they feel she might have some of the vomit still in her left lung. They are going to give her a little time and they are trying to help her move it out. As I watch all that is happening to Ash I am really scared. Life really is like a vapor just as His word tells us it is. Ash could be here with me one moment and the be gone the next. I am no longer just thankful for another day to spend with my daughter, tonight I am thankful for another moment. I was so afraid I was losing her. My heart and my hands are still shaking at the thought of her not being here for me to hold.
As I began to clean Ash up after this episode I found that her diaper was full of bright red blood. The blood is very fresh and we do not know where it came from. They are checking her levels and will be taking blood every 2 hours through the night to see if her count is dropping. So much is happening so fast that my head is really spinning tonight. They are talking about new scopes of the upper and lower organs. We will know more in the morning after we monitor her blood through the night.

I am just so thankful for His wisdom. We would have been in so much trouble during all of this if we were not in the PICU where the doctors are readily available. As we moved back down tonight one of the nurses told me that it was ridiculous for us to be back here. The unit was too full in her opinion for us to have been brought down for vomitting and breathing trouble. I am so glad that she, or I, or anyone else is not in charge of Ashley's life. Only the one who Created her is calling the shots, and once again I know that I can trust Him to do what is right for my daughter. I am grateful for the place that He has us in tonight. Ashley is strong and even though she is so very tired tonight I believe in her. She has come to far to give up now, and I know that she can do this. I am praying that He will give her rest, and that He will strengthen her tiny body as she sleeps. I am going to hold her all night and I am not sure that I will be able to lay her down. I am just so grateful that she is here for me to hold.