Still Struggling

The last 24 hours have been some of the longest so far. Things have not really changed that much since this morning. Ash has been sedated all day and has not moved a muscle. Her heart rate does go up and down depending on the level of sedation. As it starts to climb then they give more meds to calm her back down. Her kidneys are not really producing tonight so they are giving another bolus of albumin to try and stimulate them. The lab numbers show that they are still o.k. and that they have not suffered any damage.

I have had hours and hours to sit and stare at this beautiful baby. I absolutely love every single part of her. She is so amazing. Her eyelashes are so long and pretty. They actually curl up on the ends because they are so long. Her face is not swollen this time, so all of her tiny features are still there. Her little nose is so precious and her lips are just so perfect. I love to look at her face. She really is an amazing creation. How I wish I knew what she was thinking as she lays there. I can't imagine what her thoughts must be. I pray that she is not scared, and I hope that she can hear me as I tell her over and over again how very much she is loved. I was able to get them to put her little lacy socks on her feet so that her toes would not be cold. I am longing to hold her again and to feel her little self curled up in my arms. I long to listen to her breathe and coo again as I rock her to sleep. I long to have her little fingers wake up enough to hold tightly on to mine, and I long to see that beautiful smile that is so unique to my Ashley. I find myself longing just to have her back to her self again showing us all how very awnry she can be.
I am praying that tonight will be filled with peace and rest for my Ashley. I am afraid to lay down not knowing what may occur if I fall asleep. I am so very tired that it is difficult for me to make sense of my thoughts. Eventually I hope to fall asleep knowing that He is taking care of her while my eyes close and trusting that she will be here when I wake. Thank you for coming back to her story. I pray that it continues to be written for years to come. I love you guys and appreciate your prayers for our Ashley. Good night and may He bless you with rest.