Blessed to be me.

Even though there are days when it is hard for me to find understanding I am still aware of how blessed I am in this life. As I kiss my little "gherkin" on her head my heart still leaps with joy every single time. She is amazing and I love every single thing about her. I know that this is a difficult road to be traveling, but without it I would have missed out on so much. Don't misunderstand me, I wish with everything in me that my Ashley was healthy. All I am saying is that as I watch her lay on the bed today I realize that it is because of this road that I have become aware of how blessed I am in this life.

The doctors decided late this afternoon to place Ash on the paralytic drug for her safety. She was way too active and they were afraid she would cause damage to her lungs because of her kicking and swinging. In the morning they have scheduled the ENT doctors to do an evaluation of her vocal chords, esophagus, mouth, tonsils, and laynyx. They will be sending a little camera through her nose to see if they can spot any "trouble" causing areas. This is our new plan. We are going to start at the top and see if we can find anything that may be making it more difficult for her to breathe. At one point during the rounds today they brought up the tracheotomy, but told me they don't know that she will actually need this to be done. More than anything I think they would just like for us to start thinking about the word and trying to absorb it in case it is what she would need to help her breathe. I have chosen not to panic about this. I am just going to trust that He is doing what is best for our Ashley.

This afternoon I was able to visit with Skyler's mom for a while. She and her faith are such a source of strength for me. After listening to her talk about how she just knows that God will be faithful to do what is best for her son I knew that He had brought her in to encourage me. Her friendship is a blessing in my life. Tonight I feel strong. I feel at peace with where we are. Things are not perfect, but He is still in control of Ashley's every breath. He is protecting her and holding her even when I cannot. We have no answers and no real direction, but it is my faith in the One who gave her to me that will sustain me. I am blessed even on the hard days. Ashley is here and she is wonderful and amazing. She is strong and she will come through this. Someday she will tell her story and she will do what He has created her to do. I am blessed to call her mine, and I am blessed to be her mom. I am blessed to be the one she looks to for comfort and help. To be loved by Ashley is a blessing to me. How can I not see that I am truly blessed to be me?