Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

12/17/2006

Slippery Slope

Ashley has continued her struggle for breath all throughout the night and into the morning. We have now arrived back into the PICU and they are telling me to prepare for Ashley to be back on the ventilator by evening. I could see it coming last night so I am not surprised. I am sad, but not shocked. For some reason Ash can't breathe when she is on the pediatric floor. I know they all think I am crazy, but I know what is happening to her while we are up there. The air is so thick and hot and dry. She went up there on a 1/2 liter of oxygen and within 48 hours she was on 5 liters in her cannula, a mask over her mouth, and blow by! I tried and tried to tell them she could not breathe and now we will be starting over again. I have lost count as to the number of times she has been intubated. On Friday they made the decision to move us up to the floor in a matter of minutes(literally). She was not ready. They were trying to make room for other patients, and I can't help but wish they had just allowed her to stay until she could breathe on her own without the use of oxygen.

All that I had been secretly hoping for is now gone. Ash will not be concious for Christmas. She will not be opening gifts with Blake and Allie. She will not be smiling and giggling as they play with her. She will not wear her Christmas dress and there will not be a family Christmas picture. At this point I am struggling with the thought of them walking into her room and seeing her paralyzed on the ventilator. This is how she was when they left her. Since transplant Blake has not seen her breathing on her own and hasn't even held her. Allie did see her and hold her once when she was not on the tube. They will be sad and they will be disappointed. This is breaking my heart.

I feel as though we are on a "slippery slope". There have not been any easy steps along the way, but there has been a time or two when we made some progress up the slope. Then just when you think you have mastered the slope and are about to make it to the top, you find yourself and all that is with you sliding down and things quickly become out of your control. I am thankful that so far each time we have found ourselves sliding back down the slope that we have felt His hand going before us steering us around the dangerous spots. I am thankful that each time we begin sliding He gives us the strength and determination to dig in and keep climbing. Today we have slipped back down, but tomorrow I am looking forward to picking ourselves up and attempting to climb the slope again. I am just praying it isn't so slippery this time.

5 Comments:

At 3:15 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that things aren't going well for all of you again. I will pray for you this afternoon until I see you this evening. Stay strong, we all know what a fighter Ashley is.

 
At 3:25 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish ~

Ashley's new page is precious. I am so sorry that Ash is in another rough spot. I wish that I could offer words of comfort or wisdom that would be of help. I think right now prayer warrior is the role that fits best. I am always astounded at the end of the day when I think back to how often God brings Ashley to mind. It is a true testiment of His love for her... that He has me on my knees so much of the day for this sweet child I have never even met.

Praying faithfully,
Amy

 
At 4:33 PM , Blogger Renee said...

I am so very sorry for this setback! I wish that I had words to comfort ya'll. All I know to do is pray pray pray!! I will again ask my friends and family to make sure to pray for Ashley and you all. I am just so very sorry. I'm thankful she has you Trish to be there for her every step of the way. Ashley couldn't ask for a better family! All of you are just awesome. The stories I've read about Allie and Blake are amazing. You have a very beautiful family and you are a very beautiful person.
I am praying!

 
At 4:51 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

i continue to pray with you... and my heart aches that the slope continues to be so slippery. i know we all yearn for the day when ashley reaches the mountain top and her health is not in such a precarious state. praying praying.

 
At 7:03 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Father,

I pray that you please hold Ashley and her family on this slippery slope. We know that You are strong enough to carry us. It is dark right now and we need some light. Please send something to this family to give them comfort and hope. Please protect Ashley and bring her through this as You bring us through so many other hard times. Remind us how strong and Sovereign you are. We need you desperately.

In your name, Amen.

 

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