Slippery Slope

Ashley has continued her struggle for breath all throughout the night and into the morning. We have now arrived back into the PICU and they are telling me to prepare for Ashley to be back on the ventilator by evening. I could see it coming last night so I am not surprised. I am sad, but not shocked. For some reason Ash can't breathe when she is on the pediatric floor. I know they all think I am crazy, but I know what is happening to her while we are up there. The air is so thick and hot and dry. She went up there on a 1/2 liter of oxygen and within 48 hours she was on 5 liters in her cannula, a mask over her mouth, and blow by! I tried and tried to tell them she could not breathe and now we will be starting over again. I have lost count as to the number of times she has been intubated. On Friday they made the decision to move us up to the floor in a matter of minutes(literally). She was not ready. They were trying to make room for other patients, and I can't help but wish they had just allowed her to stay until she could breathe on her own without the use of oxygen.

All that I had been secretly hoping for is now gone. Ash will not be concious for Christmas. She will not be opening gifts with Blake and Allie. She will not be smiling and giggling as they play with her. She will not wear her Christmas dress and there will not be a family Christmas picture. At this point I am struggling with the thought of them walking into her room and seeing her paralyzed on the ventilator. This is how she was when they left her. Since transplant Blake has not seen her breathing on her own and hasn't even held her. Allie did see her and hold her once when she was not on the tube. They will be sad and they will be disappointed. This is breaking my heart.

I feel as though we are on a "slippery slope". There have not been any easy steps along the way, but there has been a time or two when we made some progress up the slope. Then just when you think you have mastered the slope and are about to make it to the top, you find yourself and all that is with you sliding down and things quickly become out of your control. I am thankful that so far each time we have found ourselves sliding back down the slope that we have felt His hand going before us steering us around the dangerous spots. I am thankful that each time we begin sliding He gives us the strength and determination to dig in and keep climbing. Today we have slipped back down, but tomorrow I am looking forward to picking ourselves up and attempting to climb the slope again. I am just praying it isn't so slippery this time.