Struggling For Breath

Tonight as I lay in my recliner next to my sweet Ashley Kate all is not well. How I long for quiet nights to become a part of her future. Before we came to Omaha our nights were filled with the sounds of feeding pumps and tpn pumps running till morning. Some nights the pumps would alarm continuously for various things and Dave and I would take turns trying to nudge the other out of the bed to correct whatever the matter was. We eventually learned to sleep with hum of the motors acting almost like a lullabye helping us drift off. Through it all you could hear the quiet sounds of our little one breathing.

We had hoped for the noises of our "lullabyes" to become quieter and quieter after her transplant, but unfortunately the sounds of our night time songs are just getting louder. As I sit and type, the alarms are sounding on Ashley's monitors and she is struggling for breath. Each breath is followed by a grunting noise that tells us she is bearing down trying to force air into her lungs. Ashley no longer has the ability to breathe easily. Since her transplant she has struggled to maintain her respiratory status and I am realizing that the quiet sounds of our daughter resting peacefully have become a thing of our past. Ashley is now receiving more than 3 liters of oxygen through the nasal cannula that she wears under her nose. I am not sure what will happen as the night continues. She seems to be struggling more and more. In the back of my mind I fear that we may be heading towards the use of the ventilator once again. I pray that this does not happen to her. Each time we place her on the ventilator her lungs receive more and more damage.

I sit here helpless, not able to ease her distress. I continue to ask that the Father, the one who created her, to just breathe for her. He is the one who breathed life into her tiny body, and I know that with just a single word He is capable of resolving this. I believe this could happen. He is God. The One who gives life. The One who gives second chances. The One who holds my daughter in His Hands. This is not too big for Him.

I am realizing how much I have taken for granted in our life. The ability to breathe peacefully. Ashley can no longer do this. The ability to learn to sit up, or crawl, or walk. These things came so naturally to my Blake and my Allison. Ashley may never learn these things. The opportunity to be part of our large family as it gathers for a holiday. Ashley has never had the chance, and she may never be strong enough to be exposed to so many at the same time.

He has a plan. It is not always easy to watch how it unfolds. He holds her in His hands tonight, and He never sleeps. I know she is safe in his care. I pray that at some point He will ease her struggle and give her peace. Good night and may you rest well. Trish