I don't Understand

I don't think I will ever be able to understand why children have to die. There are no words that can describe the feelings I have as I watch child after child slip away. My heart is broken over the loss of the precious children who we have come to know and love during our stay here in the PICU. Ashley and I have now been witness to the loss of 5 beautiful children.

Chloe's parents have made the decision to let her go. I pray that God gives them peace in their hearts and that they will seek Him during this time. I only know the depth of the pain that I feel in my heart when I think of this beautiful little girl, and I know that it can't compare to what they must be experiencing. Each time a new child moves in to the room that used to "belong" to our transplant friends I almost feel as though we have betrayed them. It is so difficult for me to watch a new patient take over that place. I am asking God to help me as I try and understand why Chloe had to go. I know that He will take care of her, and that He loves her so much more than I can even imagine.

My sweet Ashley Kate has remained stable all day. She did well recovering from the bronch procedure. The secretions that were found and removed raised concerns and questions in the mind of the doctor. She would like to test Ashley for Cystic Fibrosis. We had Ashley tested in Dallas before we came and the results were negative. Even though I know the result of the last test that was done, I still find myself shaking on the inside when I think about it. Please God, let this be nothing! Let the test return negative for a second time and put it behind us and out of our vocabulary. I am nervous for her. I just want tomorrow to come and for the test be over with with a NEGATIVE result.

Allie so badly wanted to just touch Ashley tonight. Just a little bit for just a minute. After she scrubbed, she went over and un-covered Ashley's hand. She held on to her "puffy" little fingers and softly rubbed them with her own hand. How sweet it was to watch my two girls holding hands again. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched the tenderness that Allison feels towards her sister show itself. After a brief moment of "holding" her sister, she began to whisper questions to me. I did my best to answer her as honestly as I could without causing her to become frightened. She wants for Ash to wake up before Christmas more than anything. Blake spent the afternoon sleeping in our "favorite" recliner next to Ashley's bed. I think it just gave him the peace he has been needing to be close to her for a while. It makes us so proud to watch how well they take care of their baby sister.

Tonight we are going to go to the apartment and decorate our mantel. I am looking forward to watching the kids hang their stockings. I love it that we now have 5 stockings in our family! We are going to play Christmas songs and string popcorn. I am so excited to have this time to spend with Blake and Allie. The only thing that would make it better is if Dave and Ash could be there to help us. Maybe by next Christmas all 5 of us will be in our home hanging our stockings "by the chimney with care" together. I love the thought of that!

We have been given another day with our children, and for that David and I are more than grateful. God has blessed us beyond what we deserve. He continues to take care of us and allow us to be a family. He is holding Ashley for us during this time and although it is difficult that I can not, it gives me great peace to know that He is willing to. Thank you for your love, prayers, encouragement, and kindness you all have shown to our family. Your faithfullness to continue praying for my Ashley truly humbles my heart. We love you all and we wish you all peace during this holiday season. Take care and may He bless you and your families tonight.