Stabilizing
Ashley's vitals are now stabilizing. It has taken all day and a lot of hard work, but it is happening. Her blood pressure is stable. Her heart rate is stable. Her oxygen saturations are stable. Along with her vitals, I feel as though my faith is stabilizing once again.
How disappointed He must be in me each time I begin to panic and plead for her life. Knowing all along that it is His will that must be accomplished in Ashley's life as well as mine. I have spent the better part of today clinging to my faith in Him, but still wanting Him to do with Ashley what I would like to be done. I still pick up this struggle for her life over and over again. I take it to Him, lay it at His feet, and then decide to run back and pick it up to carry this burden all by myself. Why am I not able to say to Him, " Your will be done in her life." I am so frightened that His will may not allow my Ashley to grow up in our home, with our family, as our daughter. I don't want Ashley to die. I want her to live. Is this wrong that I can't say it would be "well with my soul" if He chose to take her back? I have wondered today how He must of felt for His only son to die. Was it "well with His soul?" Did He want to spare Jesus from the death He endured. How was He able to stand by and watch? My heart aches and bleeds for the pain that Ashley goes through. As a parent I want more than anything to keep her from all of this. Death is not something I welcome. I have often heard people talk about looking forward to dying so that they would be in Heaven for all of eternity. I too want to spend my eternity with the Father in the heaven He has prepared, but I don't want to die. I don't want to leave my children. I don't want my children to leave me. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Something inside of me, the "mom" in me, wants to fight to the end. I can't sit back and say that this o.k. with me. It is killing me. I am just so grateful for His forgiveness. I am just so grateful He loves me enough to allow me to be honest with Him. I am just so grateful He is God.
Ashley has pnuemonia in both of her lungs. She has two lobes that have collapsed. They used a very powerful steroid along with many other things like albumin, bi-carbonate, fluids, etc. to bring her back to a more stable condition. The steroid has resulted in high blood sugars so they are now treating her with insulin. She is on four very strong anti-biotics, and they have determined that she does have sepsis. She is swollen beyond recognition, and her tiny face has once again disappeared. I miss her awnry little grin. Her blood gases are slowly improving, and we are making small amounts of progress on her vent settings. I am amazed at how fragile she is, but at the same time I sit back and admire her strength. I can feel God working in her life once again. He is pulling her back, and I am waiting on Him to restore her. Boy, is this a tough road. What a chapter this will be in her story. Just another opportunity to give Him the glory for the miracles He is doing in her life.
posted by Ashley @ 9:27 PM
5 Comments:
His will is being done. Stay strong and no matter how hard keep your faith. There are angels dressed in pink protecting Ashley. You are in our thoughts and prayers and on our hearts. We serve such an awesome God and he is the mighty one. Glory be to him to see Ash through. Rest well Trish and may Ashley continue to improve through the night.
yes i'm thankful too that God will allow us to say out loud what HE already knows we feel inside....and without punishing us...even though we may feel we deserve it. He is soo patient and loving!! we can just talk and talk ..and he will just listen and listen to our pointless..emotion-filled ramblings.....just smiling with his merciful reassuring smile...loving us...constantly loving us!!...never stopping...never stammering...never waivering. HE is a rock!! OUR ROCK!! How blessed we all are!!! I'm so glad that you can be honest about your true heart feelings...God honors honesty!! know that you are lifted up beyond what you could fathom....lifted up in prayer!! Bless you...extra blessings to you!! still praying!!
Thank you Jesus for hearing our prayers!! Continued prayers for little Ashley...and family.
I don't know the answers to the questions you are asking, but I do know God says there is a time for mourning. I do know that Jesus wept at the sadness his friends endured as they watched their brother Lazarus die, even though He knew He would restore him. I know that Jesus made His desire known to the Father before He said, "But Thy will be done." I don't believe that grieving for the hurts of your baby or your family is sinful to God. Maybe you haven't said it is well with you if Ashley goes home because she hasn't. Maybe you're not willing to give her up because you haven't been asked to. You don't need the grace to say that because it hasn't happened and you only get the grace for what you're asked to do - your daily bread. Anger at God, second-guessing Him, worrying He's forgotten her would be a sin, but loviing your baby and wanting to have her with you - I don't see anything Biblical to indicate that is. David's psalms are full of WHY's and I HURT'S and PLEASE SHOW YOURSELF TO ME'S. He was called a man after God's own heart. Job questioned his circumstances and how to handle them and he is held up as the standaard for patience. God knows you are but human and therin lies the miracle. He loves us despite that. He proved it so miraculously on the cross, WHILE WE WERE YET SINNERS. He's different because His love is not dependent on us the way we measure out our affection to only the deserving. My prayers are with you and your family. Only God can direct your path, can hear your pleas and answer them, can give you a peace when there is none to be found. He gives the peace that passes all understanding and no matter what you might face, He will set your heart right if you just keep on asking Him. I hope your family arrived safely and you are leaning on each other with tender warm hugs.
A mother's love for her child has depths beyond understanding--fighting for your baby and begging for her life is what a mother does! Don't second-guess yourself; know that He knows your heart, and that He is big enough to handle your questions, your pleas, and anything else you can throw at Him. He's not just a Judge; He's also your Father! His mercies are tender and unending, and His love for you--and for Ashley--is even deeper than your mother's love. He understands.
I'm so glad her numbers are looking better. I pray you have a restful night and a better day tomorrow.
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