A Quiet Night

Last Sunday it was the quietness of the night that I dreaded. It was one thing to watch Ashley be absent from us and to wonder if she would ever return to us during the daylight, but night was approaching and I had no desire for it to arrive. During the day there were distractions, phone calls, noises, visits with Dave and so many other things going on. At night I would retreat to our room alone and lay down alone and attempt to rest. As soon as I would turn off the lights and close my eyes my prayers would begin. Not just any prayer, but a prayer of desperation and pleading. The fears that I held inside of my heart during the daylight would come tumbling out of my mouth as I talked to the Lord. How I hated being in the room alone without Dave. How I hated not having Ashley there with me to tuck into that crib. How I hated being 700 miles away from Blake and Allie. How I hated not knowing the answers to so many of my question. The nights were long last weekend, but as I look back I can see that I was not alone. In the room during the night He was there. While I prayed and pleaded He was listening. While I wondered if she would live or die He was there sustaining her tiny life. In that bed as I struggled to close my eyes He was giving me rest.

Tonight it has been a very quiet night. After such a busy day for my Ashley, I have welcomed the night to come. How different it feels to me to see her laying there in the bed tonight. She does not struggle for breath. She is not absent from me. Ashley is peaceful and not fighting to live through another night. He holds her tonight just as He did last Sunday, but something is different. I don't know why we had to live through such a tough week. I don't know why she had to become so sick. I don't know a lot of things, but one thing I do know is that we are stronger because of it. Dave and I have made it through another tough time together, and we are closer friends because of it. Ashley has proven and shown us all once again that she desires to live this life that He has given to her. I spent more time in prayer last weekend and I know it strengthened my walk with the Father. We are still growing and learning every day and I know He is using my daughter to teach us the lessons (although many of them are hard and painful) that He wants us to know.

It is a quiet night in our room at the PICU. My precious Ashley lays sleeping and breathing so peacefully in her bed. Outside the door of our room it is chaos. It reminds me that we are not the only parents who hurt for their children. It shows me that although I am tucked away inside the walls of this hospital that the world still goes on. Tonight I am thanking God for the quietness of the night He has granted to me and to my Ashley, and I am praying for those whose journeys are just beginning. I pray they have faith in the One who will help them through their walk here in the PICU. I pray that they know Him. I pray for their children and I pray for mine.