I think I'm Jealous

Outside of being a mom my passion in this life is taking pictures of my amazing kids. Along with my addiction to photographs of them comes a healthy love for scrapbooking. Oh, brother some of you may be thinking. You may have never pegged me to be the "crafty" type, don't lose faith in me now because I am not crafty. I don't scrapbook in the typical stereo typed fashion. My goal is not to be the Martha Stewart of scrapbooking. I have other goals in mind as I put together these books. I just don't want to forget. I don't want to forget a thing. Not one detail of this life that He has given us. I scrapbook not to show an amazing display of my sticker sticking ability. I scrapbook the events of our lives so that someday my children might look back and see how truly blessed we are.

Inside the volumes of their lives I have poured out my heart. I have written to each of them and told them all things I would want them to know if the day ever came that I was no longer here to tell them. I am so aware that I only get one shot at this life. I am not promised tomorrow. I am not promised a lifetime with my Blake, my Allison, or my Ashley. I want them to know the important things. I want them to be able to look inside of these books and not only see the pictures on the pages but also read their mom's heart. This is why I scrapbook. Our books tell the good, the bad, and the ugly. I hold nothing back. They tell of the wonderful love of Jesus. They tell of the evilness that stole so many lives on 9-11. They tell story after story of the everyday events that have made our little family of 5 to be the people that we are today. When you open up one of my scrapbooks my prayer is that you will be able to see beyond the pages, see beyond the pretty paper (and yes some of the stickers I have put there), see beyond the pictures, and see into my heart. The heart of a mom and a wife who loves her life. Who loves her children. Who loves her husband. Who loves her God. When I look through the pages of my scrapbooks I see blessings. Blessings that I did nothing to deserve. Blessings that have been bestowed on me for no other reason except that He loves me. I rarely ever close my scrapbook albums without a smile on my heart and tears streaming down my face.

Now comes the jealousy part. As I read about the up coming Crop-A-Thon being held as a benefit for my Ashley how I wish I could attend. How blessed I would be to sit among a group of Moms who love their children just as deeply as I love mine. How amazing it would feel to see those who have taken the time to come and support my Ashley. Let me say Thank you in advance. Thank you to the volunteers who have chosen a fund raiser that is so "me". It comes so close to my heart. Thank you to those of you who plan on attending. It means so very much to me.

Tonight my Ashley is hurting. Her little body is so very sore that she cannot even stand for me to hold her. She took such a big "hit" with this last episode. I am afraid it will take her a little longer to get back this time. She is showing signs of dehydration and withdraw. Both of these things are making her feel so yucky. My heart hurts for my baby and I wish I could make all of her hurts go away. As I prepare to start my Ashley's scrapbook I struggle with just how ugly parts of her story are. I really have a hard time looking at some of the photographs and with telling of some of the bad days. I am so thankful that all of the ugliness she has endured has been followed by such beauty. I will be able to share with her just how very much she is loved. Loved not only by her family, but by all of you, and by the One who created her. I pray that I will do her story justice as I tell it. I pray that she will see past the hurts and find the blessings that have been bestowed. I pray that the day will come when she will be old enough to read the story herself. I pray that I never face the day when it is only I who holds the volumes of her life in my hands. Building her scrapbooks are difficult. It is painful, but at the same time it so very BEAUTIFUL. I pray I never forget one moment, one detail, one lesson that has been given through her life.

Thank you for your faithfullness. Thank you for your continued presence here. Thank you for your prayers and your cries to the Father on her behalf. You are loved and appreciated. Good night from our little corner of the PICU. May you rest well. Love, Trish