Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

1/22/2007

I think I'm Jealous

Outside of being a mom my passion in this life is taking pictures of my amazing kids. Along with my addiction to photographs of them comes a healthy love for scrapbooking. Oh, brother some of you may be thinking. You may have never pegged me to be the "crafty" type, don't lose faith in me now because I am not crafty. I don't scrapbook in the typical stereo typed fashion. My goal is not to be the Martha Stewart of scrapbooking. I have other goals in mind as I put together these books. I just don't want to forget. I don't want to forget a thing. Not one detail of this life that He has given us. I scrapbook not to show an amazing display of my sticker sticking ability. I scrapbook the events of our lives so that someday my children might look back and see how truly blessed we are.

Inside the volumes of their lives I have poured out my heart. I have written to each of them and told them all things I would want them to know if the day ever came that I was no longer here to tell them. I am so aware that I only get one shot at this life. I am not promised tomorrow. I am not promised a lifetime with my Blake, my Allison, or my Ashley. I want them to know the important things. I want them to be able to look inside of these books and not only see the pictures on the pages but also read their mom's heart. This is why I scrapbook. Our books tell the good, the bad, and the ugly. I hold nothing back. They tell of the wonderful love of Jesus. They tell of the evilness that stole so many lives on 9-11. They tell story after story of the everyday events that have made our little family of 5 to be the people that we are today. When you open up one of my scrapbooks my prayer is that you will be able to see beyond the pages, see beyond the pretty paper (and yes some of the stickers I have put there), see beyond the pictures, and see into my heart. The heart of a mom and a wife who loves her life. Who loves her children. Who loves her husband. Who loves her God. When I look through the pages of my scrapbooks I see blessings. Blessings that I did nothing to deserve. Blessings that have been bestowed on me for no other reason except that He loves me. I rarely ever close my scrapbook albums without a smile on my heart and tears streaming down my face.

Now comes the jealousy part. As I read about the up coming Crop-A-Thon being held as a benefit for my Ashley how I wish I could attend. How blessed I would be to sit among a group of Moms who love their children just as deeply as I love mine. How amazing it would feel to see those who have taken the time to come and support my Ashley. Let me say Thank you in advance. Thank you to the volunteers who have chosen a fund raiser that is so "me". It comes so close to my heart. Thank you to those of you who plan on attending. It means so very much to me.

Tonight my Ashley is hurting. Her little body is so very sore that she cannot even stand for me to hold her. She took such a big "hit" with this last episode. I am afraid it will take her a little longer to get back this time. She is showing signs of dehydration and withdraw. Both of these things are making her feel so yucky. My heart hurts for my baby and I wish I could make all of her hurts go away. As I prepare to start my Ashley's scrapbook I struggle with just how ugly parts of her story are. I really have a hard time looking at some of the photographs and with telling of some of the bad days. I am so thankful that all of the ugliness she has endured has been followed by such beauty. I will be able to share with her just how very much she is loved. Loved not only by her family, but by all of you, and by the One who created her. I pray that I will do her story justice as I tell it. I pray that she will see past the hurts and find the blessings that have been bestowed. I pray that the day will come when she will be old enough to read the story herself. I pray that I never face the day when it is only I who holds the volumes of her life in my hands. Building her scrapbooks are difficult. It is painful, but at the same time it so very BEAUTIFUL. I pray I never forget one moment, one detail, one lesson that has been given through her life.

Thank you for your faithfullness. Thank you for your continued presence here. Thank you for your prayers and your cries to the Father on her behalf. You are loved and appreciated. Good night from our little corner of the PICU. May you rest well. Love, Trish

3 Comments:

At 11:47 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish,
You were my beginning in the scrapbooking part of my life. Thanks to Anessa B. & her inviting me to your party of C.M. I once was so passionate of capturing every moment & am struggling to keep up at this point.....very far behind. I remember when 9-11 hit....I kept a journal of my pregnancy for Lauren who will be five this year. I kept a newspaper from that day & the day after for her. I wrote to her of my fears of the future...the lives I saw jumping to escape from burning ....& wrote to her my prayers for those people....who did not know that they would die that day. Some may have thought...I can get straight with God someday....but I am young...I have time....Oh how I prayed that they made the decision before that moment..... I wrote it all the good the bad ....the ugly. For Josh....oh....the things I wrote following his birth....his very traumatic birth..... I can not read it ....very often....I go back...& it hurts. But, I thank God that some of the things we thought to be true....GOD answered prayers & turned around. For they thought he would not live to see one & he will be three in February. No, he can not stand on his own...free of support....he can not walk... but HE IS ALIVE. When I have my tiny pity parties.....I think of things you have said Trish. I have him....his hand to hold ....his many smiles to cherish... & he is a blessing. What an amazing...charming young man. As a mom I want to kiss away all the problems or hardships....but only our creators Kiss....HIS breath....HIS word...HIS will....can make my hearts desire come to light. But, I am blessed ...& don't deserve this amazing son of mine. I WISH you could be here for the Crop A thon...& they are doing such a good job on planning it....I think GOD is going to bless it & bring out a huge crowd.... but just hold her hand....make those memories....we never know how long we have to enjoy each little blessing....each sweet smile....they grow so fast & with our "special" children....we really have to soak it all in. (Sorry for the novel.....) Lots of Love & many more prayers..... Lots of road yet to travel....Lord willing... Thank you Trish.. Your an amazing person...& Ash, Allie, & Blake are so blessed...

 
At 7:15 AM , Blogger Paige said...

Trish,
I am so thankful for you and your faithfulness to God. So often, I come to hear how Ashley is doing, and leave completely in awe of the Christ I see evident in your life.(regardless of how Ashely's day is going) You challenge me to step up and offer my praise to a Creator who is allowing me to go through a situation that may very well leave me without my children. Yet I am reminded that I am so blessed. Whatever may happen tomorrow, I am blessed to have been their mom today. Thank you for your words. They truly bless my life.

 
At 9:23 AM , Blogger Krista said...

Trish,
I am in tears this morning as I read your post. I can remember when I first met you on the retreat weekend, you said "quit making your pages try to be cute, and make your pictures stand out". I also remember you staying on me because I would not journal in my own hand writing. I still hate this today, but your journal seems to make me want to sit down and just write letter after letter to my family and put them in my girls books. I feel guilty because I have not had time to start my One year old's book and there is alot of things I need to say to her because we thought we had lost her five days after she was born. I cant tell you how deeply you have touched my heart. I so wish you could be here with us and tell your story in person at the Crop. It would make so much of an impact on so many women. If you do not mind, I would like to take your journal and read parts of this on the radio when we do our public service announcement, and I would like to read it on the day of the Crop. I am so excited and I am Praying for a great turnout . I took some flyers to the Scrapbook store yesterday and they have several people that have said they want to come. They have done real well in the past on this type of thing so I am keeping my fingers crossed. God has come through for little Ashley with every event so far and I dont think he will let us down now. I Pray for her pain to cease today and that you will be able to hold her and give her a million kisses. I Pray for strength to return and for the withdrawals to cease as well. We have grown to love that little one and share her struggles with you.

 

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home