A Mothers Heart

I was not one of those little girls who had always dreamed of becoming a mommy. I don't even think I ever thought about it. I don't have memories of playing baby dolls or memories of loving babies. I never even babysat as a teenager.When Dave and I got married we didn't even discuss a plan for starting a family. We were young. We were cool. We were both in college, and becoming a mommy was the farthest thing from my mind. At least in the beginning. Eventually we knew that we wanted children. We wanted children of our own, but we also wanted more. We were so willing to expand our family through adoption if only God would allow.

Let me tell you that it only took 1/2 of a second for me to develop a mothers heart. As soon as the stick showed a plus sign I instantly fell in love with the idea of becoming a mother. As I began to grow(and grow and grow and grow) during my pregnancy with my Blake, my "mothers" heart began to grow too. The first time I saw my son's face I knew that I had been given the best job in the world. My heart has never been the same.

It just came naturally to me. Those mommy instincts. I loved being Blake's mom. We would spend hours and hours just him and I as Dave was in school. We would play on the floor in his play room building blocks and singing songs. I loved everything about him. I remember when I found out we were expecting another baby. I would sit and watch Blake play and I would cry. How could I do this to him? How could I ever love another baby as much as I loved this little man? Blake would come over to me and say," it ok mommy, don't cry." He had no idea what was about to happen.

The morning my beautiful Allison was born Blake came in from Sunday school and walked over to my bed. He peeked at the bundle of baby girl that was in my arms and he said, "Allie Girl". Thats all it took. He fell in love with that baby sister. I knew it would all be ok. My mothers heart had doubled. Not only was I in love with the idea of having a son to raise but now God had given me a daughter. Oh how I loved her. She was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. My mothers heart was overflowing.

I loved being a mom. I had no desire to ever become anything else. God had given me the heart of a mother and I took my job seriously. They were the best things that had ever happened to me. As each year would come I would tell Dave I just wanted to stay right where we were. I was happy. I didn't want for them to grow and change. I loved our life, but with each passing year things were just as good as the previous one.

The day that I received the call about my Ashley's birth was the day that I knew without a doubt that I was created to be the mother of three. I had no idea she was coming. I had no idea she had been born the night before. I had no idea what she looked like. I had no idea what to expect. I had no idea where to begin. All I knew was what I felt inside of my mothers heart. I loved her. As much as I loved my Blake the minute I knew he was on his way. As much as I loved my Allison the moment she was placed in my arms. I loved my Ashley and I wanted to be with her more than anything. In the deepest part of that mothers heart that God had given to me I knew that she was mine. Mine to love. Mine to hold. Mine to protect. Mine to fight for. Mine to pray over. Mine to rock. Mine to hope for. Mine to dream for. Mine to teach. Mine to mentor. Mine. He had spent years preparing my heart to mother this child. This amazing child.

The hardest thing about this part of Ashely's story is the separation. In my mothers heart I dream of the day that I am with all three of my children. I had no idea that I would ever spend days apart from them. The first 2 weeks of Ashley's life I was away from her. During those 2 weeks God was working in my heart. He was busy doing big things. He was preparing me to be the mother that He wanted me to be. Not just the mother who taught her children to read. Not just the mother who picked out their clothes. Not just the mother who made sure they made it to practice on time. Not just the mother who took care of them. Not just the mother who tucked them in at night. He was teaching me to be the kind of mother who could trust Him to care for her children. He was teaching me to be the kind of mother who would surrender to Him.

I don't mind telling you that this is hard for me. This is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I miss my Blake and my Allison with everything inside of my mothers heart. I hurt for my Ashley in the deepest part of my mothers heart. My heart longs to lay next to Blake and talk about baseball until he is so tired he falls asleep. My heart longs to smell the sweetness of my Allison's hair as I tell her goodnight. My heart desires to tuck my tiny Ashley Kate into her crib in the nursery we built for her in our home. Most importantly my mothers heart has learned to desire for them to love God with all that they are. My mothers heart has learned to pray for them with an earnestness that I had never before. My mothers heart wants to protect them from being hurt by the pain that is found in my Ashley's story. My mothers heart wants for them to see the beauty and the blessings that come from her life.

Tonight I am thankful that I was given a mothers heart. Of all the things in the world that I could have been blessed with this is what He chose to give me. I will forever be humbled by the trust that He has placed in me. I pray that someday my children will be able to see what is inside of their "mothers heart." I pray that the Father continues to mold my mothers heart. I pray that when He looks inside of it He will find a thing of beauty.