MRI

Ashley will be going down to MRI at 4:00 today. They told me it would take about 45 minutes and that they would not have any results for me until tomorrow. They are looking for nodules in the brain. I am a little encouraged that they did not find any on the CT scan last week, but I know that it does not show soft tissue and the MRI will.

Its not very fun being me today. I walk through the halls and not many people know what to say. Most of them just ignore me, but a few of them give me looks that convey just how serious this must be. I know its not good. I can tell by the way they are all reacting to me.

The most concerning part to me at this point is the change in my sweet Ashley's personality. The behavioral changes scare us all. I knew there had to be some reason for all of her screaming and now I just pray that she was not reacting to the cancer. Today she isn't screaming. It seems as though some sort of peace has come over her and all she wants to do is rest. I wish she would smile or laugh or play. I really need to see that part of her come back so I know that all will be well. I know they suspect the cancer to be the cause of her recent changes. I know they think we will find it in the brain. I just pray and pray that what everyone is thinking is wrong.

The good things that I have found today are these: Ashley is not sick with an infection at this point. Her lungs are clear and she is breathing very well. She is on full feeds(something I am still in amazement over!), and she looks really good. If there was ever a time that she had to get cancer then now would probably be the best (if that makes any sense at all?).

Tomorrow's procedures will be difficult on her. I just spoke with the oncology assistant and signed the consent. The bone marrow biopsy is painful and she will not be happy once she wakes up. The spinal tap makes chills run up and down my spine probably because of the line of work that we are in. I just want to wake up from all of this and realize it was all a bad dream. Remember the dream I had about waking up at home the other night? How I wish that was our reality and not just my fantasy.

Needless to say as her mommy I want to make all of this go away. I don't want for her to endure any more pain. I just want her life to be filled with happy things. I wish I could do more than just rock her. My kisses on her fore head while she sleeps can't take all of this away from her.

It doesn't seem real to me that I am typing about cancer. I thought we were coming to Omaha for transplant. Sometimes life can surprise you and this cancer sure has, but so did the cardiac arrest. Who could have known? My prayer is that in some part of His plan He intends to use these surprises in Ashley's story for the good of others. It is really hard to see how this could all be good right now, but maybe someday I will look back and it will be clearly seen. Thank you for your encouragements and your prayers. I don't know how to do this on my own so I am really glad He gave you all to me. Take care and may God Bless you today. Trish