Rumbling

There is a "rumbly in her tumbly" tonight as I sit here with my arm wrapped around her and type. Not only do I hear and feel the rumbling in her tummy but I hear and feel it in her spirit as well. She allows her little voice to rumble with each rumble of her tummy. She feels so very yucky and disagreeable tonight. I haven't been brave enough to attempt her formula yet. Her tummy is so rumbly with pedialyte that I can't imagine what its going to feel like when her feeds begin.

I am finding that she is not the only one experiencing rumblings tonight. I too am suffering from them. Mine aren't coming from my tummy, but they are coming from my heart. As my heart rumbles and my spirit churns inside of me I am trying so very hard not to become disagreeable. It is really quite silly how I refuse to allow myself to speak to Him the fears that lay under the surface of my heart. He already knows they are there. He knows how much I want to say the things that cause the rumbling inside of my heart. I can't hide them from Him and I realize that He is a big enough God to handle those things that I feel like screaming. Still there is something that won't allow me to speak for fear of being disrespectful or ungrateful. So they continue to rumble around inside of me all the while I know that He sees them and He is handling them. My tears sting my eyes as I type and acknowledge to myself that I want to disagree with what is happening to my baby. My heart is torn with between my faith and my fear. I so badly want her to be made whole. I pray that He protects her organs and that this is only a virus, a bug, a small thing that will be gone when we wake, but if it is not and it turns out to be something bigger, something more, then my prayer is that my rumblings will cease and that my spirit will not become disagreeable.

I am afraid that when I become tired I also become weak. Tonight I hold her and I try not to cry as she cries. I try to be as strong as she is, and I try to muster a smile for my family because I can see how hard she is trying to. As bad as she feels she pauses to grin as her daddy approaches, as her brother walks by, as her sister begins to talk. How wonderful it felt to bring her back "home". Being together and knowing that I can lay next to Dave and feel him reach for my hand tonight is making this easier. Ash and I are not alone in Omaha. We are here in Texas surrounded by those we love fighting this piece of her battle together. For this I am grateful. If we must go back to Omaha then that is what we will do in order to take the best possible care of our Ashley. Right now we just wait and watch.

Thanks for listening. I already feel so much better just putting it out there and allowing the tears to fall and the fears to surface. I know He controls her every breath and this is all part of her story. The good days and the bad.