Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

5/04/2007

"What if..."

Since he was five I have listened to the "what if" speech on the way to practice. Sometimes it varies, but most of the time it sounds something like this.

"Mom, what if when we get to practice Pudge is there?"

"Blake, I don't think Pudge is going to be at your practice tonight."

"Mom, but what if he is there and he is going to help coach? It could happen, mom, couldn't it?"

"I don't think its going to happen tonight... he interrupts me, "But it COULD happen, right, mom? It is possible."

Realizing I am not going to convince him that it couldn't happen I give in and agree with him.

"Yes, Blake. Your right it COULD happen."

Many times I have watched him run out on the practice field and thought to myself how much I wish it would happen. Just once. Just to see the smile on his face and to get to hear him tell me, "I told you it could happen." My son is eleven now and I think he still secretly looks for Pudge Rodriguez to show up on the practice field ready to give him a few pointers behind the plate. Blake believes anything is possible. He believes it could happen and with faith like his it just might.

I didn't sleep last night. I prayed. At least I tried to pray. My words felt empty and they didn't make any sense. My stomach hurt and all I could do was cry. My tears fell outwardly, but Dave's fell inwardly. He didn't let me know he was crying, but I could feel his broken heart. He tried to hold me, he tried to hold my hand, but I cried so much I couldn't breathe and eventually I had to sit up. We didn't speak. We both know that 7 weeks isn't long enough. We didn't even spend one night in our little yellow house. We haven't even had our family alone for even one day. Again we have decided not to tell the kids just yet. I'm still holding out for a good weekend and for another call that says don't come. I don't want to take Ash back to Omaha indefinitely. I don't mind going for appointments, tests, evaluation, diagnostics, etc., but I don't want to stick around and wait for her to advance, learn, or make progress. I think her best chance for that to happen is here at home with her family not in a hospital or hotel room. If something else is medically wrong with my Ashley and they can find it and help her then of course Omaha is where she and I will be. This is the team of people I trust. I believe we were led there for a purpose and if they ask me to come I will come, but "what if".

What if they call back and say there is no reason to bring her back? It could happen, right?

What if she does great from here on out, starting today and feels good with no reason to have to return and they say there is nothing wrong just stay home? What if?

What if my Ashley begins to roll over and crawl and decides to pull herself up along the couch today? Would they say, "she is fine and you shouldn't bring her back? It could happen, right?

What if my faith was strong enough to change the circumstances. What if I did have faith the size of a mustard seed and it did move this mountain that I see looming before me? What if?

Ash and her daddy played and played last night. She squeels with delight as he tickles her. She loves him so much and I don't want her to have to wake up and wonder where she is and where her daddy has gone. I'm just trying to believe that this isn't going to happen and that we are moving forward starting today. What if yesterday's phone calls meant nothing and today's bring better news our way? It could happen, right?

We are leaving at noon today. All five of us running away to Houston together. I can't wait to have all of us in the car. Who knows? we might just keep on driving and never come back. It could happen, right?

Let me apologize to any of you who think I may not be handling this news the right way. I'm sure I am not, but this is tough and I am a mess. God knows my heart and He knows I want to do what is right, but He also sees the hurt and I know He understands what I mean even if the words don't come out right. Please forgive me if you think I am ungrateful for the time we have had together. I assure you I am not. Thank you for your prayers and for reading my Ashley's story. It means more than you will ever know. God bless. Trish

21 Comments:

At 8:31 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish,
I do not think any of your faithful "daily checkers" think you are overreacting to going back to NE. I think it is PERFECTLY normal to want to be with your family and not 700 miles away in NE. I pray the "other" call will come that says you can stay home! :)

 
At 8:47 AM , Anonymous Lauri said...

I'm sorry. I cannot fathom the pain, anger, frustration, distress that you are going through - but I can say I am sorry and I have no doubt that you will handle this in the way you are intended to handle it.
The prayers have never stopped, now I will just tweak them a bit.
Lauri

 
At 9:28 AM , Blogger Sandy said...

Oh Trish I wish I could give you a great big hug and tell you it's all going to be ok. I hurt for you so much as I read your entries. Not that I know exactly what your going thru but as a mother myself, I can only imagine the pain you feel. God has a plan for your Sweet Ashley and although none of us know what that plan is, you just have to have faith that he knows what is best. I'm sure the circumstances will test that faith more than you could ever have imagined but don't give up don't lose it. Ashley is blessed to have a mother like you and don't think for one minute that any of your faithful readers would ever doubt that you don't love that baby more than your own life. We all know that :-) I hope you have a wonderful weekend and enjoy your *family* time together!

 
At 9:33 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh if I could hug you...the pain, anguish, frustration...it all seems huge right now. I think you are wonderful, let us, the readers come along side you and prayerfully shoulder this burden. All grace, all truth comes from God. He will make a way. Hold tight to Him and we will hold tight in prayer. May you have a peace decend upon you...Sunshine

 
At 9:35 AM , Anonymous Nikki said...

I wish for you all it didn't have to be this way....we're praying.

 
At 9:36 AM , Blogger Staci Barham said...

Trish,
I know that I haven't written in a while, but there isn't a day that goes by that I haven't checked on Ashley and your family!! There isn't a day that goes by that I haven't prayed for you all too. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you all and PRAYING!!
Staci

 
At 10:11 AM , Anonymous Grandma said...

Still praying as hard as I know how!

 
At 10:40 AM , Blogger Aunt Boo said...

Trish,

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this again. I hope you and your family have a great time in Houston and I hope that you are right, that today will be the beginning of something great and you won't have to take sweet Ashley back. You are in my thoughts and prayers always!

Love,
Amanda

 
At 11:20 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

don't let anyone's definition of grief define the way you feel right now. the truth is, no one knows how they would feel until they live it. and you are living it--and at the same time, being an inspiration to us all--

praying for your family, for your heart, for your gherkin and for all that God has in store for her.

God Bless Your Family

 
At 11:36 AM , Anonymous Lori said...

I am so sorry! We continue to pray daily for all of you.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

Blessings,
Lori

 
At 11:59 AM , Anonymous oh amanda said...

Oh, Trish! For some reason I haven't read your blog in a couple of days and I'm just heart-broken with you. I wish I could give you real (((hugs))). And I don't know what to pray for so I'm praying for a miracle. God is able. And I'd rather err on the side of faith. I'm praying for you. All day.

 
At 12:08 PM , Blogger Sky said...

My hearts cries out for you and I know that our Father loves you with a great love!
I will pray for you!

May He give you peace and show the way.

Love,
Sky

 
At 12:29 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Prayers. Lots of prayers. I wish that we could carry even some of the burden for you...but we can walk along beside you and Pray.

Kristi in Texas

 
At 1:59 PM , Blogger Mission Freak said...

((((Trish)))),
You never have to explain your thoughts or actions to us here. We will never condemn or judge you, just love you through this. You are allowed to be angry over a situation that is so hard. I think God would be surprised if you never questioned this lot you have been given.

Not too long ago, we had a pastor preach on the very passage you quoted. What he said stuck with me, because we are going through a terrible adoption process.

He said that when Jesus said, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.", that Jesus was telling us that NONE of us have the faith required to move mountains. None of us, no matter how great our faith on earth seems to others, none of us have anything even close to a mustard seed sized faith. Not one of us. Jesus is the ONLY one with that perfect faith.

And because of that, we turn it all over to Him (as I see you do daily). Jesus, because He is the only one with perfect faith, carries that burden for us. He is the one who can move the mountain, or He will bless you with a way to get over it. Because His faith is perfect.

I'm so sorry you have to be in this place with Ashley. You are being prayed heavily over.

dawn

 
At 2:04 PM , Blogger ManyBlessings said...

Sorry Trish,
My dd was still signed in on Blogger when I posted. Oops!
dawnz:)

 
At 3:14 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am praying for your "What if..." We serve a mighty God and no "What if..." is too big for Him. I will pray God's will for your family.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. I think any wife and mother in your shoes would feel the same. Who wouldn't want to keep their family together? Don't forget Jesus wept also. My heart breaks for you, so I will continue praying for Ash to have a break through.
Praying in Omaha,
Shannon

 
At 3:49 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish-I am on a different computer so I can comment. Ours for some odd reason won't let us into your comment section. Honey, you are handling the situation to the best of your ability right now. It's OK to admit that you are a mess honey. Know that our family is praying for you and bringing you before the throne daily. I love your family and I pray God give you the peace and strength to make it through.

I love you,

Shari

 
At 4:22 PM , Blogger jtcosby said...

Your reaction is that of a loving caring wonderful mother. Please don't let any crazy commenter have a stronghold on the love you have out here! You are a blessing...Praying for you!!!!

 
At 4:25 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope she gets better soon and that the team in NE finds all well with her. That will be my prayer for her today.

 
At 4:39 PM , Blogger Sarah's In the Midst of It said...

Sweet Trish, I'm so sorry that you even have to apologize for your real feelings, in fear that somebody will leave a hateful comment. Thank you for your bravery in writing your authentic words. You voice things that many are too afraid to say.

I have fallen in love with your little girl and with your family, and I'm praying for good news, good progress, and peace.

Waiting for a little girl to progress when you know she might not is hard. I know we're in different situations, but I can understand that, and I know how hard it is. I'm praying especially for you, as her mama. You are dear to my heart.

 
At 5:54 PM , Blogger Leigh said...

Trish,
I am sorry that you are lead to apologize. You shouldn't have to. I feel that blogs are a way to share and be honest. You should always feel right sharing your true feelings. God understands and knows that you are not ungrateful. It's so hard to stop worrying about offending others. It's so inappropriate for others to leave negative comments.
I have been praying and will continue to pray for Ashley and yalls strength thru this hard time. I can't imagine, but you have such a tremendous positive attitude.

Leigh in Texas

 

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