"What if..."

Since he was five I have listened to the "what if" speech on the way to practice. Sometimes it varies, but most of the time it sounds something like this.

"Mom, what if when we get to practice Pudge is there?"

"Blake, I don't think Pudge is going to be at your practice tonight."

"Mom, but what if he is there and he is going to help coach? It could happen, mom, couldn't it?"

"I don't think its going to happen tonight... he interrupts me, "But it COULD happen, right, mom? It is possible."

Realizing I am not going to convince him that it couldn't happen I give in and agree with him.

"Yes, Blake. Your right it COULD happen."

Many times I have watched him run out on the practice field and thought to myself how much I wish it would happen. Just once. Just to see the smile on his face and to get to hear him tell me, "I told you it could happen." My son is eleven now and I think he still secretly looks for Pudge Rodriguez to show up on the practice field ready to give him a few pointers behind the plate. Blake believes anything is possible. He believes it could happen and with faith like his it just might.

I didn't sleep last night. I prayed. At least I tried to pray. My words felt empty and they didn't make any sense. My stomach hurt and all I could do was cry. My tears fell outwardly, but Dave's fell inwardly. He didn't let me know he was crying, but I could feel his broken heart. He tried to hold me, he tried to hold my hand, but I cried so much I couldn't breathe and eventually I had to sit up. We didn't speak. We both know that 7 weeks isn't long enough. We didn't even spend one night in our little yellow house. We haven't even had our family alone for even one day. Again we have decided not to tell the kids just yet. I'm still holding out for a good weekend and for another call that says don't come. I don't want to take Ash back to Omaha indefinitely. I don't mind going for appointments, tests, evaluation, diagnostics, etc., but I don't want to stick around and wait for her to advance, learn, or make progress. I think her best chance for that to happen is here at home with her family not in a hospital or hotel room. If something else is medically wrong with my Ashley and they can find it and help her then of course Omaha is where she and I will be. This is the team of people I trust. I believe we were led there for a purpose and if they ask me to come I will come, but "what if".

What if they call back and say there is no reason to bring her back? It could happen, right?

What if she does great from here on out, starting today and feels good with no reason to have to return and they say there is nothing wrong just stay home? What if?

What if my Ashley begins to roll over and crawl and decides to pull herself up along the couch today? Would they say, "she is fine and you shouldn't bring her back? It could happen, right?

What if my faith was strong enough to change the circumstances. What if I did have faith the size of a mustard seed and it did move this mountain that I see looming before me? What if?

Ash and her daddy played and played last night. She squeels with delight as he tickles her. She loves him so much and I don't want her to have to wake up and wonder where she is and where her daddy has gone. I'm just trying to believe that this isn't going to happen and that we are moving forward starting today. What if yesterday's phone calls meant nothing and today's bring better news our way? It could happen, right?

We are leaving at noon today. All five of us running away to Houston together. I can't wait to have all of us in the car. Who knows? we might just keep on driving and never come back. It could happen, right?

Let me apologize to any of you who think I may not be handling this news the right way. I'm sure I am not, but this is tough and I am a mess. God knows my heart and He knows I want to do what is right, but He also sees the hurt and I know He understands what I mean even if the words don't come out right. Please forgive me if you think I am ungrateful for the time we have had together. I assure you I am not. Thank you for your prayers and for reading my Ashley's story. It means more than you will ever know. God bless. Trish