Turning The Page

Tomorrow will be exactly one year to the day that I sat inside a doctor's office and listened to these words,"In my opinion she has about 3-6 months to live. You take her home. Feed her real food. Food you feed the older children. If she can handle it and begins to grow, then she has a chance to survive. If she can't, then you have the answer you need. Without a transplant she will not make it." Short and to the point. No emotion. Very little compassion, but honest. The doctor knew Ashley's condition well. It had become her life's work. She had a daughter who did survive. A beautiful 16 year old daughter who had attended the school dance wearing a spaghetti strapped dress that showed her central line scar. Sure she was tiny and petite, but she was alive and happy. She told me again, "You will know by the end of the week. Good luck."

I left that visit feeling numb. Defeated but still a little hopeful. Does that make any sense? I didn't think my tiny Ashley's bowel could digest chicken, potatoes, vegetables, etc., but I had never tried. Maybe, just maybe it would work? I called Dave and feel apart. I sobbed as I tried to explain to him what the goal was. My mother in law was driving, Ashley was sleeping, and I was crying. I could hear him struggling on the other end of the phone. He was trying not to cry, but I know him and I could hear the strain in his voice and I knew the pain in his heart. At the end of our conversation he said, "By the way, Happy Birthday." Oh, yeah it was my birthday. On my 32nd birthday they told me my tiniest child, my gift from God, the one I had prayed for, would die in a few months. The pain that you feel, the lump in your throat, the sickness in the pit of you stomach, there are NO words to explain how much it hurts.

During that week we tried. We tried. We tried. It didn't work. My Ashley became so ill and so weak from the food she was trying to digest. By the 3rd day we had stopped. It was stealing her from us. She could not smile. She could not play. She could not live. Her body was not capable of handling these foods. Those are the nights that my nightmares began and they did not stop until God intervened. They lasted for almost 5 months. I hated to close my eyes because where I went was horrifying. I would wake in a panic, in a sweat, and grab my baby out of her crib to hear her breathe, to listen to her heart beat, to touch her face and know she was still there. Thank you God for working and working quickly! Thank you for her gift. Thank you for your plan.

Tomorrow I will turn the page. I will not erase the page, just turn it and start a new chapter. I have been on this page for a whole year. The page has a lot to say. A lot of joys, a lot of hurts, a lot of battles, a lot of victories, a lot of frightening moments, a lot of peaceful moments, a lot of growth, a lot of lessons, a lot of purpose. I will wake tomorrow and gladly begin a new year in my life. A year that holds the possibilities not promises of many days to come with my Ashley.

Thank you for taking the time to read this page in her story. I KNOW it hasn't always been easy, but I pray that it was worth it to you. I pray that you have seen His hand at work. I pray that you have seen how much He loves you. I pray that you have seen firsthand the miracle He has performed in life of my sweet Ashley Kate.