The dates are set. The flights have been approved(Thank you God for working out the details and answering prayers). The appointments are on the calendar. Tests and scans are scheduled. So... whats the problem? After receiving all the details today I have tried to put my finger on what is making me feel as if I wish we didn't have to go.
When I think of Omaha I think of "the call" which gave us hope. I think of intimidation which is what I felt the moment I stepped through the doors with our tiny baby girl. I think of the empty feelings that washed over us as they took her from our arms and walked her down the hall. I think of surrender which is all their was left to do at that moment. A complete surrender to His will. Because we knew it was only if it were His will that she would be brought back to us. I think of our donor family. I was so broken for them as Ash spent that night in surgery because I knew their arms were empty. I think of anticipation. Anticipating what the moment would feel like as we looked at her for the first time in ICU. I think of the relief that we felt as we were reunited with her. I think of emptiness. This is how I would describe the way it feels to pour your heart before the Lord, holding nothing back as you plead that what you want just might be according to His will for her. I was so empty by the end of the first day. I think of struggles and miracles and hurdles and miracles and operations and miracles. It was like a never ending cycle. We had no idea what each moment of each day would hold. I think of the power of prayer. I think of support. It came from all over the world. I think of friendships that developed in the hallways, in the elevators, in the cafeteria, in the waiting rooms, in the bathrooms of all places! I think of growth. I grew each day with each and every experience. I think of pain. My heart hurt more than I ever knew was possible. I think of grief. I felt it like never before as we said good bye to so many precious children. I think of strength. I saw it in the faces of my friends as they left the halls of that hospital without their babies. To my precious friends, I think of your children so often and I will forever be changed by them. I think of joy. Our sweet Ashley faced each day with the spirit that He created in her. I think of admiration. I felt it for this tiny bundle of baby girl whom I rocked day after day. I think of longing to take her home to her daddy, her brother, and her sister. I think of the mountains she climbed and overcame and then I think of the valleys she fell into. I think of loneliness. Extreme loneliness that comes from being separated from your best friend, your partner, your spouse. I think of surprises. They came almost daily in the mail for our sweet Ashley. I think of home cooked meals and the thoughtfulness of the ones who provided them. Thank you for bringing them!
When I think of Omaha I think about God. The lessons He taught me. The miracles He gave to us. The gift He allowed to be given to our Ashley.
So tell me why do I hesitate to return? I don't want to go back just yet. I don't want her to be put to sleep again. I know we have to go. I know we need to know if the tumors are all gone. The answer awaits us in Omaha. I know they need to see her, but I have tried to swallow this lump in my throat all day long. I have tried to hold back the tears that keep stinging my eyes. I have tried to put my finger on what is wrong with me. Scary things happened in Omaha, but miracles were performed there too. God was still God in Omaha and I am sure He will go with us when we return.
Ash is finally sleeping! Shes still not feeling her best, but I can tell she is getting better. Thank you for your continued prayers for her. Each day she smiles a little more and those smiles are keeping me going. I am praying for sleep. We haven't gotten much of it this week and it is definitely slowing me down. I feel myself dragging from one room to the other. Dave is still at the office and the older kids are getting ready for bed. I know I should stay up and do laundry, but I think I will lay down and close my eyes too. Good night and God bless you. Trish
P.S. Thanks so much for the Christmas Card ideas. Allie is so excited about taking on that project. Her art work doesn't have a price. She said, "I can't tell people what to pay for it. That would be wrong!" If you would like one just let me know. She would love for you to have it
Just knowing you asked about it brought the biggest smile to her face. Thank you for that!