How beautiful

...How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news. Romans 10:15



I look over at my sweet Ashley Kate lying in that giant bed and I search for the parts of her I recognize. Hidden are her twinkly brown eyes. Lost are her long lashes under the swelling of her eyelids. Gone is her smile. Her amazing, contagious grin can not be found. Her tiny hands that clap with such joy lie still next to her sides. Her feet. The part of her I probably kiss the most. They are puffy and round but still there's just something about those feet that melt my heart. I love those little feet and I can still find the beauty in them tonight as they peek out from underneath her covers.

If I hadn't been in this place, this exact place with our Ashley before then I would be frantic. Still if frightens me to see no signs of movement, no sign of her spirit, no sign of life coming from her. I stare and stare searching for a sign of anything. She can't move. She can't communicate. She is still under the paralytic that allows her to rest while she is intubated rather than fight against the breathing tube. I have to concentrate on the monitors. The green number 155 with the little heart flashing next to it tells me she is in there. The red line flashing the numbers 108/57 tell me her heart is moving blood through her veins. The blue squiggly line flashing 92,93,92,93 tell me she has enough oxygen in her blood. The hum of the ventilator pushes air into her lungs causing her chest to rise and fall. Without it she would be in trouble tonight. Her lungs are very sick.

I cried most of the day as I adjusted to the place I find us in again. I think the exhaustion, the emotional strain, the concern for my Ashley, and the familiar separation from our family just had to sink in. We're going to be ok. She's been in this position before and she has come back. The Father has pulled her through it more than once and I feel in my heart that He will again. To say that I am not nervous and scared would be a lie. This is a scary place, but we can do it. Just last week I wrote that I would be willing to hurt the hurts, kiss the boo-boos, long for home all over again just to see her eyes twinkle and her joy explode. It is worth it. Its so very hard, but the way she lives every moment of life with such spirit and determination makes it all worth it. I had no idea a week later we really would be doing it all over again.

What is His plan? What is the purpose of all of this? I really and truly do not know. I have moments where I feel strong and moments where I feel so inadequate. I have to stay focused on the goal. I have to concentrate on being the mommy that Ashley Kate deserves while keeping my faith in tact. There is no other option. I remind myself that I believe, I believe, I believe that He is trustworthy and that He loves her more than I could ever comprehend. Even when I don't feel it, I still know it. This is my truth and this is the only thing I know to do.

...How beautiful are the feet that bring good news. Romans 10 :15

I'm waiting for good news to come our way and while I wait I will continue to concentrate on what I know is right and what I know is true.