Preparing my heart

Dave did it. He was able to figure out a flight schedule in order for the two of us to switch places this weekend. He should land here in Omaha sometime tomorrow evening(11pm I think?). I will leave Omaha bright and early Friday morning and be in the air by 6am. I land in Dallas around 8:30 and will be picked up at the airport to make the 2 hour drive home. Once we pull into the drive way I will hit the ground running. Allie's party begins at 5pm and will go until 9:30pm. What an amazing night of fun we have planned. We have worked on the details of this celebration for more than 2 months and I can't believe it is finally here. Saturday morning I will attend Allie's basketball game, then that evening Blake will play in 2 basketball games. Sometime Sunday afternoon Blake has a baseball scrimmage and I plan on attending as much of it as I can before making the long drive over to Dallas to catch my plane and then I should land in Omaha around 11pm. Dave then leaves on that 6a.m. flight Monday to make it into the office by 10a.m. Whew! That took a little planning.

As I think of leaving Ash here in the hospital my heart rate increases and I start to panic just a little. Not because I don't trust that her daddy will take good care of her, but because I have never been the one to be 700miles away from her. I can't imagine getting a phone call like the ones I have had to make to Dave more times than I can count. I am really nervous about going home without her. Things can happen so quickly with her and if they took a turn for the worse I would have no way to get to her. I have no idea how Dave has done what he has over the last 2 years. His strength and his faith are amazing. He is forced to lay it all the Father's feet. I on the other hand still battle my nasty habit of picking the burdens back up and trying to carry them all on my own. It is a daily struggle for me to just keep trusting. I want to make her better. I want to fix things for her. I want to pick her up and make it all go away. I am still learning. Everyday I am learning.

On the other hand the excitement I feel about being there for Allie's birthday is growing more and more each time I talk to her. She is excited so I am excited! Not only is she excited, but Blake is excited for her. He has been saving his money for a long time to buy her just exactly what he KNEW she would love. Tonight he called to tell me that he finished getting her gifts and that it was all ready. His excitement over giving her the perfect gift is absolutely contagious. I can't wait for him to see her open what he chose for her. He's right about finding her the perfect gift. I know when our family sees it they will all agree that it was perfect for her.

The details of the party are vast. I would love to share them but it would take me an hour to do it. I think I'll wait and have Dave post a slide show of pictures. Just trust me when I tell you that it is a wonderful mix of growing up but still being young enough to have tremendous fun. It hasn't even happened yet and she has exclaimed on more than one occasion, "Mom, your the BEST!" I'm just going to love every single minute of watching her have a magical evening with her closest friends.

My heart is torn between knowing how much I need to be home for this party and knowing how fragile Ashley Kate remains. These are gut wrenching decisions we face. Knowing when we need to be home, but also knowing we need to be at the hospital with Ash. It will always be this way and I don't think it will ever get any easier. I'm sure there are some who would love to tell me how we do it all wrong, but I'm going to ask you to keep that opinion to yourselves. I really don't need to hear all about it. The fact remains whether people agree or disagree that I am a mom. A mom to Blake, Al and Ash. I love them all with every last part of me and I want to be there for each one of them each and every time. It just can't be that way right now. So if you think about it tomorrow will you please pray that God might prepare my heart for this trip. Pray for protection of our little pickle while I'm away. Pray for precious moments with my amazing son and my beautiful daughter back home. Pray for me as I walk on to that airplane and face one of my biggest fears. Flying. I hate to fly and would only do in order to be with my children.

Its going to be a busy, busy weekend! By the way, Ashley Kate is making the sweetest looking spiders while she sleeps. I kid you not! Eyes closed and those tiny hands forming spiders above her breathing tube. She must be singing inside. I love this baby! Good night my friends. Trish