Tried, Failed,and Tired
Ash was taken off of the vent. She tried to breathe on her own for 3 hours, but eventually failed. She is now back on the ventilator. I can't tell you how difficult the events of today have been for us. I stepped out of the hospital for the first time in 11 days. I hadn't seen the sun or felt fresh air for 11 days. I thought I would run to the grocery store and then pick up a few items for Ash. As soon as I arrived at the store Dave called me and I started running. The images I saw as I walked into the room are not ones I ever care to see again. It is traumatic to watch your child struggle for air all the while knowing that without that air she can not survive. I pray you never, ever have to walk in our shoes.
My heart aches tonight because I know that all over the world there are mothers who lost the fight for their child's life today. I know that it happened here in this very hospital today, and I know that it is only a matter of time before Dave and I will be at the front of that line. For now our place in that line is exactly where God has us. So I say this with the most love that I can muster at this moment. Question us if you like, condemn us if you feel you have that right, and judge us if that is truly your God given right, but until you are standing next to me in this line you will NEVER understand what it feels like to be us.
I'm tired. So very tired of trying to defend the decisions we feel God has led us to make for our family. You will never meet children who are more loved, more cherished, more appreciated, or sacrificed more for than our Blake, Allie, and Ashley. I dare you to try. They KNOW without a doubt how special they are to us regardless of what the world may think.
I am in this place because God Himself handed me the gift of a lifetime and I intend to take the very best care of her that I can. I will never apologize for that.
Love your children like there is NO tomorrow, because there may NOT be. I urge you to just love on them.