Still believing...
...in miracles. Why? Because I sit here watching one.
The hum of the ventilator is all I can here. It pushes air into her lungs. It does all the work for her. She is literally being breathed for by this machine that sits in the corner of the room. I find this amazing. The machine is her life line. It keeps her lungs oxygenating her organs while her body takes a break.
Oh, it won't be this way forever. It won't be this way for long. The day will come when her lungs will have healed and we will wake her up. It will happen slowly, but as she comes out of this "coma" she has been placed in her brain will wake up and will send a message to her lungs. Inhale is what it will say. Now exhale. Inhale. Exhale. She will have survived another close call and He will be given the glory. Again it will be a miracle.
I'm going to be painfully honest in this post. You may or may not understand where I'm coming from, but I know that the Father already does. This week has been devastating to my heart. It has caused me to slip into a sort of "coma" of my own. I too feel paralyzed. To stunned to effectively pray on my own. My words are hard to come by. My thoughts are numbing to me. I'm not feeling like much of anything I pray is right. I cry and cry and cry. My prayers feel empty, and like my Ashley Kate who is being "carried" for a while by her vent I feel like I am being "carried" by the prayers of those around the globe. Oh, it won't be this way forever. It won't be this way for long. The day will come when the hurt in my heart will have healed and I will wake up. It may happen slowly, but as I come out of this place I find myself in I will begin to send more effective prayers to the Father. I will have survived this distance I am feeling and He will be given the glory. I will see the miracle of how much He me again.
I don't know if you have ever been in a spiritual "coma" or not, or if you have any idea what I am feeling. I do know that God already knows how much I am struggling to figure out how or what to pray so pretending that I don't feel hurt and distant would be ridiculous. The miracle to me is knowing that He loves me anyway.
I still believe in miracles. My faith is still strong. My heart is eternally grateful. I'm just having a hard time figuring out what to say when I pray. I won't stop trying. Its just been a confusing day. So glad His love for me is not based on anything I do or don't do.
Still believing in miracles tonight. Why ? Because His love towards us is one.
posted by Ashley @ 10:41 PM
47 Comments:
I do understand that particular feeling and I have come to believe that we aren't always "supposed" to know what to pray. It's like I always tell the kids, "There would be no need for learning if we already knew it all." This is just my own experience, but I have come to completely believe that we don't always have an apology to make for failing to know the right words. I honestly believe that sometimes faith is shown even more evident when we continue to believe God's promises (as you mentioned here) DESPITE the not knowing what to think or feel. It shows precisely that it is His promises, and not our own spiritual fortitude, His mercy and not our "right words" that are making the difference. I hope I worded that all to make sense. Bottom line, we are even commanded to be still and simply know that He is God, whether or not we know exactly what to do with that. You are doing a good job, Trish. --Nikki
Though our trials are different ...they both touch the life of our child and our heart.
I know all too well what you have expressed Trish. My heart is with you.
Psalm 139:4 For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.
I found great comfort in this verse when I felt the same as you are now.
I John 4:19 We love him, because he first loved us.
Hugs..
Hope
Praying for your sweet miracle. She is such a testimony to God's faithfulness.
Keep hanging on to Him.
Oh Trish, it is not the words that you say but what is in your heart. God knows you heart, your faith, your love, your fears, your sorrows, your needs. He knows you Trish and you are a wonderful person. He trusted only you and Dave to care for His precious Ashley, He knew you had what it takes. Don't worry about praying the wrong thing or drawing a blank when you try to pray. He is listening to your heart and we all know you have a great heart and you are listening to Him and following His direction. Keep your head up Trish, great things are coming your way I just know they are.
Michelle in Oklahoma
I know how you feel, Trish. I have been there. That's when you just point at your heart and say Lord, it hurts. Then you point to your baby girl and say Lord, she hurts. Fix it, Lord. Simple words...but He hears them and knows. And the wonderful part is not our prayers being any better than yours or anyone else's, it is the Holy Spirit interceeding with groans too deep for words. So rest there, my friend. We are carrying you all to Jesus and trusting Him to heal Ashley.
With love,
holly
The Lord doesn't need words. Just share your burden with Him. He knows what you need and he knows what is to come. You will find rest in His loving arms.
Just think of this, Trish. How many decisions have you had to make concerning little Ashley just this week??? Not to mention all the decisions for over 2 years. Your brain is on overload. So when this happens God just listens to your heart. Don't worry about the words because He just knows and He cares.He knows what is going on in your heart. You just concentrate on what you need to do for little Ashley and let us continue to intercede for you and your precious baby daughter. We will continue to pray for God's mercy and grace and the miracle of healing as her little body "sleeps".
Take care of yourself and rest every opportunity you get. We are here and we are praying.
Love and prayers~~~Janiece
The Lord knows your heart, surely he can read your mind. Words are not necessary. I know that you are enveloped in his love and care as well as and especially Ashley. I am praying for your strength and direction, and as always Ashley too.
Before I was a Mom-
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom-
I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom-
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom-
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom-
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom-
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.
Praying for Ash....
O LORD, Thou hast searched me and known me. Thou dost know when I sit down and when I rise up; Thou dost understand my thought from afar. (Psalms 139:1-2)
I do understand to some degree - I believe that is why we have other believers to hold us up in prayer and even hold us up physically (like Moses). I also believe the Holy Spirit groans prayers for us when we do not know what to say. The Father already knows, but our crying out even if it's mutterings is understood by Him. We wants to commune with us. You are hurting and He understands even if we don't.
Continuing to lift all of you up in prayer, Lou Ann
Praying for you and your family. I made something for you and sent you an email at ashleysorgans@yahoo.com. Not sure if that is the right email for you or not.
My email is quinonezfamily@charter.net.
Praying in Kentucky
I do understand Trish...I know that feeling all too well unfortunately. I also know that it gets better, as you also know. You are being "carried" right now by Jesus! He knows your heart you do not have to explain or apologize, He already knows.
Know also that we are here praying for you and your family. I would have to say it's very normal to feel the way you are feeling. I am so very sorry for your tears...my heart just breaks for you all. I pray for you to find some comfort today. I pray for Ashley to continue to show signs of improvement and not regression. I pray for Dave & the kids too.
I am very glad to know Dave will be joining you this weekend. I think that you two need to be there for each other in person whenever possible. I pray the kids want to come too. I know that would be a comfort for you. You are such a good mommy! Keep up the great work Trish!!
My prayers will not cease!
~Okla
Oh Trish,
You have the best friend of all, Jesus, interceding for you! It is He who knows your heart and loves both you and Ashley Kate best. He has provided a mighty army of prayer warriors to fight on your behalf. It's ok to be quiet and allow Him to minister to you as He heals both you and your darling pickle. He knows your heart and just like you're keeping watch over Ashley because of your love for her, He is constantly watching over you, holding you close and loving you deeply. Be still dear one and know we are all standing in the gap praying for you!
Love,
Becky
PRAYING FOR ASHLEY TO HAVE A QUICK RECOVERY. PRAYING FOR YOU TRISH AS YOU STRUGGLE TO MAINTAIN YOUR COMPOSURE. I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE HOW I WOULD FEEL IN YOUR SHOES. BLESS YOUR HEART. YOU KNOW WE ALWAYS WANT QUICK FIXES AND QUICK ANSWERS BUT, UNFORTUNATELY LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS LIKE THAT. WE HAVE TO WAIT UPON THE FATHER AND HIS TIMING. I WISH I WAS THERE TO HOLD YOU AND LET YOU CRY AS MUCH AS YOU WANTED TO ON MY SHOULDER. I KNOW YOUR HEART IS BROKE BUT, AS YOU SAID MIRACLES WILL PREVAIL. GOD IS GOOD AND HE WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH. ASHLEY IS A FIGHTER AND SHE IS NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. WHEN THEY ARE ABLE TO LET HER WAKE UP I AM SURE SHE WILL BE BACK READY TO WATCH BLUE CLUES AGAIN, GIVE HER FAMILY LOTS OF KISSES AND HUGS. PRAYING THAT WILL HAPPEN REAL SOON. THANKS FOR KEEPING US ALL UPDATED ON HER CURRENT STATUS. LOVE AND HUGS YOUR WAY, CINDY ADAMS
God does not need the right prayer or the right words. He understands and loves you - just the way you are. Don't think of it as prayer, but your own private conversations:) Who better to talk to. We are praying for you and Ashley Kate. You are in our thoughts daily. Keep posting and keep updating. You have a true elegance for words.
The Banta's from Charlotte, Michigan
Trish,
Thankful that I can be part of your prayer team, regularly imploring the Father to bring healing to your sweet baby! Sometimes there are no words to truly express what we are feeling, but our Father knows all our thoughts and intents of oour hearts. Your faith in Him is strong - He knows your heart's desire and He will answer in His own way. Until you find the words to speak, we will be there continuously praying for Ashley, for you and Dave, and for Allie and Blake.
Courtney
You don't have to say anything. Even through cyberworld, there "are two or more gathered" in prayer for your baby and your family. I KNOW He hears us and will provide the strength and courage and comfort you need for today. And then we'll start again tomorrow.....
First, know that you are not alone in the way you feel. Also know that God has provided for you in that situation.
Romans 8:25-26
But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. 26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
Trish, as you suffer allow us to intercede for you and you rest knowing that the Spirit GROANS for you and your family. What an awesome God we serve that decided to provide such support when we can't support ourselves. There are times when words are not needed in prayer.
My family and I pray daily for you guys. I found a notebook that one of my girls left laying out yesterday. When I picked it up to look at it, it was a journal from when my 13 year old daughter went to a retreat at church. The page I opened to was a prayer letter to God pleading and faithfully asking for Ashley Kate to be healed. At this time, you guys were at home and things seemed to be going good.
All of this to let you know that even before you knew you needed further intercession, He was leading people to pray for you! What a mighty God we serve!
You are someone who has blessed so many through your written words, now let us bless you with our prayers.
Today, if no other day, lay back and let our prayers be the pillow you rest on. Today, if no other day, rest knowing that He will carry you into tomorrow.
Many thoughts and prayers from Texas!
Kristi
During this time I can't help but think of my favorite poems "Footprints In The Sand". Although I am sure you know the poem I have added it to the end of the post, because I think it is so inspiring to read.
Everytime life gets me down or I think that I can't take things any longer I know there are only one set of footprints in the sand, because our Father is carrying me. God bless you and your beautiful family. Let our prayers and our heavenly Father carry you through this rough time. Hugs to you.
***********************
One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.
"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."
Margaret Fishback Powers, 1964
*************************
Good morning Trish,
God knows our hearts, he knows every hair on our heads, I too believe that God knows exactly what we need when we need it.
God just wants our fellowship, we are human Trish and human hearts can only take so much. He will not abandon you because your words become less. This is why sisters and brothers in Christ are so vital to ministry, we can lift each other and carry each other when times are tough, and you certainly need that right now.
Its called fellowship one with another, helping to meet others needs before ourselves.
Please know I am here and will always be your prayer warrior, I do not take lightly the privilege of my Faith walk.
And do not ever for one minute think that God is not right there with you just because words are hard to come by. God is in control of Ashley and he will work yet another miracle.
Your family is loved!
Trish, I dont have words like these other wonderful people who visit your site daily, but I can tell you: God doesnt need to ALWAYS hear your words, he needs your heart and from where I sit, I think HE has had that from the beginning. He knows your hurts and your feelings, HE knows where your at, but HE also knows you cant go through this without HIM! You have looked to him thus far and will continue to look to HIM for guidance! Hang in there sweet friend, He CAN PERFORM MIRACLES. You are in my thoughts and Prayers everyday... Happy Valentines Day little one.. Stay strong.
After I commented I read this in my Daily devotional:
Whatever your difficulties may be today, you need to know that you are preserved in Christ, and that He will maintain His investment, which He purchased at the Cross. He will protect you, preserve you, and keep you.
"Nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
— Romans 8:39
I've felt that feeling as well, perhaps not in the same way, but I've definitely been in a spiritual 'coma' before. No worries...we will hold you up in prayer. We will fill that entire hospital with angels to minister to you and Ashley. He is there with you no matter how numb you feel. He is working on Ashley no matter how sick she gets.
Thank you for your honesty. As I said, you are covered in prayer, just sit back, be still, and know that He is God.
Sweet Trish,
It is for the very times like this that Jesus promised that the Holy Spirit would be our comfort and go to the Father for us when we could not find the words to pray. The Spirit groans to the Father for us. He knows what is too deep for us to express. It is okay with Him. I don't understand in my human mind, but I do know that we can trust Him to keep His promises to us. You owe no one apologies here, you are more than good enough to Him, right where you are. I promise because I believe His promise.
Praying continually for Ashley to heal and for the Lord to surround you with His loving peace. Dave will be there this weekend and you will have him to comfort you too.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
Many times in this past week and in the past times when Ash has been so critical I have found myself not knowing what to pray or how to talk to God. I've just simply thanked Him for His precious Holy Spirit to do the talking for me. Trish, I am continuing to pray and lift Ashley, you, Dave, Blake, Allie and the rest of the family up and I'm always mindful to be thankful to all those who are surrounding the throne of grace for the Adams family around the clock! What a blessing it is to be a member of the family of God!!! I love you girls with all my heart and look forward to the day, through Christ that you will be returning back home with Ashley smiling and laughing again. This too shall pass and we will all have learned more and grown stronger through our Master whose mercy and goodness never fails. You are doing a fabulous job! Praying for rest; spirit, mind and body. Love and Hugs - Grandma
Just a note to let you know I will be gone today but you are not forgotten! I will be praying for Ashley, you & your family all day!
Take care Trish and I pray for good news!! :o)
God Bless you all.
~Okla
Trish, as always, your honesty is what blesses me for coming here. A true blessing.
I think it is so important for those of us with a firm faith to let others know we experience the "coma" for two reasons. One, that's when we're reaching out and letting others intercede. Then our intercessors know we need to kick in double-time during this season for whom we are praying. And two, when we have personal trials that come our way...we know and can look back at others we have watched experience the "coma"--and that let's us know we're okay. Reading the comments I smiled as several mentioned their experience with the coma. I too experienced it...and didn't know how to articulate it to those around me. I didn't want to be misunderstood that I did still believe in miracles, that I did still believe in HIm,....I was just utterly broken. Nothing like the brokenness of a mother hurting over her child.
I'm grateful you know we are praying and lifting you up. You are loved and you are covered in His blood and with intercessors.
Kristi in Texas
There are times when the Holy Spirit prays through us or in us, with groanings than cannot be uttered. I often think this might be the most effective prayers that are ever prayed. When self is removed and our Father's precious Spirit prays in groanings we can't understand. Rest in the knowledge He knows and that you are not alone.
My heart aches for you Trish. Know that we are standing in the gap, praying for Ashley, for you, and the rest of your crew.
I agree with everyone here, it is our hearts that God listens to. Remember, He knows us by name, He knows the true us. He knows your love for Him and that is what He finds in your heart. You are so special and He knows it. You have ministered to us and you have shown us how strong and couragous you are. You may not feel it right now, but you are. I feel your love and I know that Ashley feels it as she is next to you. May God comfort you, guide you, and keep you strong through another day. I'll keep praying. Love, Stephanie
Oh boy do I know what you are talking about. I have to tell you that it is that times that I felt like God was so silent I never understood that and it hurt...yet when I look back He was there - and He will knit your heart back together again. There is a verse that I held onto as a promise for me during that time - I hope you don't mind if I share it. I just love ya! (actually there are two that are coming to mind so I hope you do not mind If I share...oh and Happy Valentine's Day)
1 Peter 5 :6&7
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
(this always helped because when the circumstances were horrible and I couldn't "lift my head" to see where I was going - I could only hang on for dear life where I was - this comforted me because I could stay face down before Him and when it was time He would pick me up - stand my feet on firm ground and knit my heart back again)
The other one is too long to type out here but one I want to begin praying over you if that is ok - it is Isaiah 61: 1-4
Hugs and prayers and SO sorry for such a long comment - this just touched my heart and I wanted to let you know that although I have not walked through exactly what you have - I have experienced what you describe with your walk right now with God! Love ya girl! Sunshine
The Holy Spirit is praying for you with words which cannot be uttered. He understands. He knows how frail and weak we are. I understand what you're going through, and will continue to pray for all of you.
I've always thought, "Help me." is the prayer closest to God's heart.
I'll keep praying from here.
Yes, I have been where you are, in a spiritual coma, depending solely on the prayers of others to get me through. It is a humbling place to be, which is a good thing, as God raises up the humble but despises the proud. And I have found that when I finally came out of the "coma," my prayers were sweeter and more intense, and I felt a comfort from the Lord that was deeper than it was before. May this be true for you, and soon!
Continuing to pray for slow and steady -- or quick and miraculous! -- healing for your precious girl.
The Lord is right there with you and Ash. He knows the desires of your heart, so no words are needed. Praying for rest for the both of you!
When you close your eyes please see all the wings that are carrying your through...that is all of us...we are praying and carrying you through this tough time...that is what we are here for and we wouldn't have it anyother way. We all love you Trish...even though most of us will never have to oppotunity to meet you...I know I love you as if you were my own sister...I think of you and your family all the time and pray all the time for you all. Yesterday I heard someone say they just got back from Omaha...and I imidiatly thought of you...and I thought that if that were me I would've stopped by that hospital to see and pray with you. Just rest assure that we are here for you!
I love the fact you let us in so we can carry you! My kids have the flu right now and when I am awake at night fighting their fevers I pray for you and Ashley, it is a wonderful thing God has placed in my heart. I know that my children right now are sick but to know that God has give me the ability to be awake and pray for you and your family is awesome! I praise Him for every miracle and thank Him!
You are a precious gift
ange
Trish-
Never to compare our stories, but who are we kidding here, this is a club all its own. I remember that humm of the vent and when I was alone with Ivey in those wicked hours of the night, I thought at times I would loose my mind. It's okay to feel that way. It is true fear. You have so much on your plate right now. Many decisions to make, some you probably can't fathom making about your child, and all of the 'what if's'. You can do it. There is no other choice. You are up to bat. You may be alone in that hospital room, but by far you are not alone.
The rector of my church shared a story with me one time. After loosing his own special needs child early in her childhood, some asked him how is prayer life was. He said, 'Oh, I am not doing a lot of praying right now. There just seems to be a lot of screaming at God.' The lady replied to him,'It sounds like praying to me.' I guess with Lent and the thought of Easter coming up it is even more of a reminder of the crosses that we all bare. Your cross is very heavy right now, God understands, and the rest of us are here to help you carry it. Trish, I know I am rambling, but your words today bring back that -feeling- in my gut. It is undescribable and I just wish I could help take some of it away from you.
Oh how my heart resinates with your soul. How I rejoice in knowing that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when all we can do is groan from our hearts to God. God knows, He hears, He's with you and listening. The body is lifting you up too. It's what families do.
Blessings,
Kelly Carr (Owen's mommy)
Oh Trish, child of the Alpha and the Omega. How greatly I understand the spiritual coma you speak of. It's a miracle in itself, actually. Think of how Ashley, weary and in pain, her body using all its resources to recover...she is "placed" into a state of being somewhat suspended. I believe our spiritual coma's come as a blessing, when we too are weary. When our souls need a bit of rest and yet our bodies are forced to push on. It is then that the Holy Spirit intercedes, steps forward and stands in the gap...all the while Jesus carrying you in his loving arms.
Rest in Him, Trish. Sink into His love and compassion. And be blessed by His ever encompassing protection that spreads upon your family even when you cannot see it is there.
Blessings. Hugs. Prayers.
Heavenly Father loves you. He knows your trials and your efforts. You are an amazing woman of faith and love.
Jesus Christ is our mediator. He does what we cannot. He loves us. You are doing great. keep it up. He will do the rest.
We are saying many prayers for you.
with love!
Praying for your sweet baby and that the ache is your heart heals.
Blessings,
William's Mom
When your body is weak and tired, you allow it to rest. Why then do we not let our minds rest? I agree that your Father knows this. Even when your body and mind are weary, your heart continues beating strongly and with it, the love for your Creator.
Have you seen Noah's story? He's a 2-yr old little boy whose recent fight for life is very similar to Ashley's. Here is his blog:
http://noahgrantjohn.blogspot.com/2008/02/2-steps-forward2-steps-back.html
Trish, I have been here...in fact it was only six months ago where I felt as if I was in a spiritual coma. Still full of faith but unsure of what to say or how to say it to my heavenly Father. It will pass. God is too faithful to leave you there. I am going to pray specifically for you this morning.
Thinking of you and your family every day.
Just an observation - I was reading through the comments and prayers provided by others and noticed that since 11:30 last night, at least one person has prayed and posted BY THE HOUR. God is providing around the clock prayes even as you search for words. He is so good.
Sweet precious Trish,
Remember the verse:"...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. (Romans 8:26)
Look how it is worded in the Message (26-28)!
26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
So groan, sigh,and cry our Father hears you and knows your heart.
We will continue to sign & groan right along with you.
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