Uneasy

Update: In the last hour things have been declining. We now have her vent settings all the way back to 100% oxygen. The right upper lobe of her lung has collapsed. We have been bagging her, suctioning her, and giving her breathing treatments in attempts to boost her ability to breathe better. We ran another chest x-ray and it looks as though there will be a good possibility of having a chest tube placed tomorrow. I pray this is not the case. We are giving another dose of lasix in hopes of pulling some more fluid off. She is 2 kilos heavier with extra fluids than the night we arrived. We are supposed to be starting aggressive percussion to her right lung, but so far it has not happened. Only 3 more hours until this night is over. It can't end quickly enough for me. Praying for a better tomorrow.


I have been fighting sleep. I catch myself drifting and then startle back awake. I'm trying not to sleep. I feel uneasy. I have been watching Ashely Kate's monitors all day. I'm uncomfortable with what I have seen. Yesterday we had her heart rate down to the low 100's. Her oxygen saturations around 93-94. Her oxygen setting on the vent all the way down to 35%.

Today things have been different. We have been monitoring her fluid status. We know she has a small pericardial effusion around her heart. If you have been with us for any length of time then you understand what a panic those words can put me in. She had an echo cardiogram done on Thursday evening, on Saturday evening, and again this morning. We are watching it closely. We also know she has a plural effusion outside of her left lung. The same lung we drained 1000's of ccs of fluid off of in November of last year right here in this PICU. There has been rumor of a possible chest tube being placed. You must know how frightened I am of this as well if you were reading along with us in November. She was allowed a single dose of lasix this morning to attempt to pull fluid off of her and to kick start her kidneys. It did allow her remove a little over 100ccs of fluid. Tonight I am watching her closely because her heart rate is back up to the 160's -170's just as it was when we arrived. She has struggled to maintain her oxygen sats and so we have increased her vent up to 45% oxygen. Clearly going in the wrong direction. Her blood gas just returned and showed us that her CO2 is increasing so we have to increase the rate of breaths the machine is giving to her. Again, we are going in the wrong direction. Are these numbers increasing because of the extra fluid she has trapped inside of her body, the fluid resting in her pericardial sac, or the fluid sitting in the space outside her lung, or is it because she is awake underneath the paralytic and she is trying to tell us something is wrong? I am uneasy.

So I sit in front of this computer screen and spill my thoughts. Its what I do when we live here in this PICU. Dave is fast asleep and I think it would be a little selfish of me to wake him just so I could rid my mind of all these uneasy feelings. Next to my screen sits a frame that houses a picture of three brown eyed, brown haired children. They are beautiful and the smiles on their faces bring a smile to my heart. How blessed I am! How thankful I am that Dave ran out and printed it off for me yesterday so that I might have them all close to me during these difficult days. This photograph reminds me of this magical, beautiful, blessed life we have. I know it may seem as though I have forgotten with all that has happened this week, but I have not. This is what Ash is fighting for. Home. Family. Life. Laughter. Love. She has it all. She knows inside of her that Blake and Allie are waiting for her return. I know she knows that! So while she continues her fight, and I continue to watch over her through the night I am trying to concentrate on how blessed our life is and how blessed we will be once we return to it.