Drained

Emotionally...Physically...Spiritually...I feel so empty. Its as if someone pulled the plug and let it all drain out of me. It has been a long time since I have felt this tired. Literally, I am exhausted. As the events of this evening began to unfold I felt as though I was having a heart attack. Tight, congestion, compressing, pain all across my chest. It wasn't my heart, it was a panic attack.

I can't tell you exactly what happened, but in a matter of minutes she could not breathe. Our baby is on the ventilator and still her lungs were closing down. In my mind all I could think of was what do we do next? This is the machine that is keeping her breathing during this insult and yet it isn't working. Panic. When they called me out in the hall to show me the x-ray I couldn't speak. The entire left lung was shut down and most of the right. She had one area in the right where air was moving through and the rest had stopped. Something had to happen and happen fast.

To go through all the events seems too overwhelming to me right now. I am so tired. The chest tube was placed and has started emptying fluid from her left lung. We are starting to see a difference in her numbers. The pediatric super came up with a plan for the night that consisted of extremely aggressive pulmmeling on her left lung with the percussor. They are coming in and working on her every 2 hours throughout the night. Along with this she is receiving multiple medications that are being pumped into her breathing tube during these therapies. We are starting to see results. Her blood gases are recovering and we are all feeling as though progress in the opening up of her left lung is being made. Her vent settings remain at the highest they can go, but the important thing is that we are opening up the lung.

I asked if we were in a safe place yet and the answer was not yet. She looks as though she is doing much better, but we could see the collapse of either lung at any time. As quickly as this one went down, if the right one decided to follow we would be in big trouble. Caution. We are being careful and the goal is to recover the left lung tonight. Still we have no idea why her lungs have become so ill. All we can do is support them and I will say again that this team of professionals is amazing. Once again they have been used by God to step in and do incredible things for our sweet baby. I am so grateful.

The pain of not being able to hold or rock Ash during this time is very great. I have felt so distant from her over the past five days because I can't get close enough to her to feel her little heart beat against my chest or feel the rise and fall of hers. Finally I found a way to remedy the pain in my heart and the longing my arms are feeling. I knelt on a pillow on the floor and laid my head next to hers. We were face to face and I laid there next to her soaking her all in. Touching her hair, kissing her forehead, wiping the tears that she silently crys, brushing her cheeks felt so good. I could feel healing taking place in my heart. I know that if her eyes had opened she would have giggled because my face was so close to hers. I could almost feel her little hands grabbing my face as I imagined just what she would do if she found me there. I sang that itsy bitsy spider song to her and I recited good night moon from memory. If there was any way that she could her me then I know her eyes were sparkling as she smiled at the words she heard. Big tears fell from my eyes onto her blankets. I love her so very much. He must know how much I love this child.

Oh the joy we will experience the day she is allowed to wake up. The smiles we will smile and the tears I will cry. The joy of her life is made sweeter through the surviving of tough days like today.

As Dave and I talked tonight we decided that the most valuable thing we have in this life are the prayers of those who love the Lord. At this time we are out of words. It feels as though what we say goes no where. Even though we know it not to be true we are still struggling. Struggling with understanding and with acceptance. As Dave said, "I'm so glad people are praying for Ashley Kate tonight because I no longer know what to say," I nodded because I find myself in the same place. So from the deepest parts of our hearts we thank you for your prayers.

There is still a plan at work here. I can feel it. Trish