Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart


Emotions run high...

when your going on the third night of NO sleep. I'm a mess. Tears burning and stinging my eyes for no other reason except that my sleepy mind is in worry over drive. Will it ever "just be a cold" or "just an upset tummy" or "just anything"? Why must it automatically be "the" bowel or "the liver" or "the transplant"? I WANT it to be just tummy aches. PLEASE!

I'm so tired. So tired. I'm sitting here listening to her fuss and wishing there was something I could do to just help her sleep through it. I've tried everything I know and nothing works. She doesn't want me to hold her. She's pulled off countless ostomy bags and now needs another. She has socks covering her little hands and pulled all the way up to her elbows to try and keep her from clawing herself.

She's not vomiting at the moment, but her tummy is cramping and she's so miserable.

My stomach is in knots. I'm so worried. So upset.

I was sitting in the bleachers at the game tonight and a man turned around and said to me, "Are you the lady with a child who had some organs transplanted?"

"Uh, yes. Thats me."

"So I guess God just must give you the grace that you need in those times that you need it, huh?"

I just sat there. It took me a moment to answer him and all I could muster was this:

"Yeah, I guess He does."

Tonight, I am in desperate need of that grace. I need to feel it wash over me and my baby and assure me that this too is happening for a reason. I need it to remind me that He knows and that He allows illness to come to our way. To children. I don't understand it, but I know He's not disconnected. I don't get it when I hear of sweet babies leaving their mommies arms way too soon. I can hardly believe the suffering that goes on in this world in the lives of the tiniest. I just don't get it. I'll never get it this side of heaven, but He does. He is good. He is gracious. He does bring us through. Even through the long nights of worry as you watch your daughter struggle and you wish for nothing else but sleep. For her and for you.

Tomorrow is coming soon, and things will be better once the night is behind us.


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