Discouraged

I am afraid that those of us in the Adams family may all be feeling a little discouraged tonight. As I spoke with the kids before bed they both seemed to be a little sad about how things are at this time in our lives. Blake is still struggling with a cold and so most of his is probably coming from the fact that he is just not feeling well and he is very tired. He was so glad to hear that Ash may be coming off of the vent tomorrow. My sweet Allison cried and cried tonight. She was crying initially because she said she wanted to hold Ashley tonight. This led into her crying because she wanted me to hold her and tuck her in tonight. Then she began crying about all of the "what ifs". What if Ash is still in the hospital at Christmas time? What if we have no place to set up a big Christmas tree? What if she doesn't feel good enough to open her presents? What if they leave Ashley on the vent until Christmas time and none of us can hold her? The tears poured out of her and I think she just needed to vent all of her fears and worries. As a mom I wanted so badly to fix all of this for her, but my hands are tied. I am 700 miles away from this little girl who is so quickly growing into a young lady. This is a very tough time for her not to have a mom at home to reassure her and take care of things for her. In the end I just told Allie that we need to pray very hard and very faithfully for Ash to begin getting better and better and maybe she might be out of the hospital by Christmas time. I thought that this would help her lay her head down and get some rest. The next thing I know is that she told her daddy that I said if we prayed hard enough then Ashley could come home to Texas for Christmas. Oh boy! did I ever mess up. Now I am feeling discouraged and wondering what have I done. She did not understand what I said and although she is feeling better now, I know there is no way that we will be home in Texas for Christmas. I wish I knew how to fix this one without breaking her heart. I will be depending on Him to get me out of this mess. My heart just breaks for the struggle that Blake and Al find themselves in on a daily basis.

Even while I was visiting with Dave on the phone I could sense his frustration and disappointment in yesterday's surgery. There are just no easy answers. It did not fix our feeding problem for Ashley. It honestly seems as though there was no point, but I can not allow myself to second guess our decision because that is going to drive me crazy. We have never been on this road of transplant before and we are taking the advice of experienced doctors who have. I know they are just as frustrated as we are at this point, but there has to be a way to fix this. The answers will come in His time. I know that they will. Honestly I will say that I have struggled with the same diappointment all day. I am trying to fight it off and not allow myself to sink into this pit. God has a plan for our family and for our Ashley. Even though I do not know what it is I still trust that He is working it in our lives. We will get her through this tough spot and she will eat, and grow, and get strong, and one day come home to Texas where Allie can hold her all day long if she so chooses.

Remember yesterday when I was going " to be content in whatever situation I found myself in"? I haven't forgotten what I read. I am trying to be content. It is just not easy to do all of the time, but it wasn't easy for Him to take my sins to the cross either. He did it because He loved me, and I will learn to be content and praise Him because I love Him. Ashley was given another day, and I was allowed to be her mom today. That is worth all of the discouragment or disappointment that can be thrown at us. So good night from all of us. Whether we are discouraged or not, we are still blessed. We love you all for loving her.