Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

1/29/2007

Needing to be in Two Places

This is not the first night I have felt torn. There have been many. I try not to dwell on the feeling knowing it is impossible. I have called Dave more times than I can count today. My Blake has been home sick. I know he really doesn't feel well because it would take a lot to keep him down. He is so driven and there is no way he would stay home away from his friends if he didn't have to. He called me last night in tears. He couldn't even talk. Eventually he just hung up the phone. His throat was hurting and he wanted me home. He didn't say it, but I knew it. I could tell by the mere fact that he called me to let me know he was sick.

As I talked to Allie today she was in a panic. She doesn't think her daddy knows how to throw a slumber party for girls. Her birthday is coming up at the end of February and we have begun the planning phase. Its a really big deal. This will be her first. It has to go right. She just wants me home. She doesn't say it, but I still hear it in her voice. Birthdays are a HUGE deal at our house. I love a well planned party. Down to the last detail, thats me. Unfortunately her daddy isn't really into details. I tried to assure her that I have written everything down for him and her grandmas. I have lists and lists of the way things should go. It doesn't help. She is still nervous since I won't be there.

Ashley is a mess tonight. She should be sleeping at this time of night, but instead she is spitting. Thats right, I said spitting. She thinks its funny. I told her I was not amused but I couldn't help but laugh. She is laying there on her back making it rain. She needs an umbrella. The crib is rocking side to side as she entertains herself by rocking and spitting. Every once in a while she yells, "Maaaa" to get me turn around and look at her acting out. I love this little one.
I have spent a good part of the night twirling her around and around the room(as far as her lead wires will allow us). I sing and she smiles. I kiss her and she spits. I tell her how much I love her and she nods her head like she understands.

I miss Dave. I talk to him all day about nothing. I just want to hear his voice. I wish he could come visit every weekend but it is just not affordable. Why couldn't Omaha be in Texas? I wish we were closer to home. Tonight I am curling up in my favorite chair to watch You've Got Mail. I have seen it a thousand times, but I don't care. I love it. It makes me think of home. I am just going to crawl under my blanket and pretend that I am on the couch in our living room with the kids all tucked in bed and Dave by my side.

My heart is torn. I want to be home. I long for the day that we will all be together again. The only thing that brings me comfort is the knowledge that He knows the desire of my heart. He knows that our family is torn and He knows that we need each other. Good night from us here in Omaha, Nebraska. Someday (soon I pray) we will be posting from our home in the great state of Texas. Take care. Trish

6 Comments:

At 11:36 PM , Anonymous Suzanne said...

I wish there was a way to get you home sooner. Oh my heart breaks at the thought of your missing parties that you want to be at with your kids. It was terrible for us when Lauren turned two & her school party was in Longview ....& I was in Dallas ICU with Josh. I know how hard that time was to be away from my daughter. Your journey has been much longer with regard to that separation. I wish you could come home for a bit....and maybe Dave or a grandma cover for you in Omaha....for a few days. (that may be an impossibility)... I don't know...but if it were possible....oh..how I know it would do your heart good to see your home....hold your older babies.....do the party for Allie... & get away for a few days.


Let me know if I can help in anyway with the party. Take pictures....video....whatever... Let me know... it would be my pleasure. (= Praying for you guys.... Let us know if the new feedings seem to be a success or not.... has she started the breastmilk yet or that is in the works....still debating..?? Thanks...

 
At 7:04 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perhaps it is time for you to travel home for a few days.....could one of the grandparents come to stay with Ash for awhile?

I am sure Blake and Allie need you to the same degree Ash needs you....I will pray that somehow you will be able to have someone come and replace you...

 
At 7:06 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praying for you...

 
At 8:23 AM , Blogger Staci Barham said...

My heart cries as I read your cries...praying that somehow you can come home very soon...it might do you some good. Dear Heavenly Father...I pray that if there is a way that Trish can come home and someone be with Ashley please show them the way. Staci

 
At 9:10 AM , Blogger Krista said...

Praying for a way that you can get home to Texas, if for only a little while. I am a Party person, I love birthdays so if Dave and grandmas need help, I can sure help! I know someone who makes beautiful sleeping bag cakes and I am all about little girls! Of course I am not YOU--but I can sure help in the planning part if you need me to..Have Grandma call if she needs anything.You are in our Prayers of course today!

 
At 10:22 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I definitely agree that you need a break. The hospital has a way of zapping the life and energy from even the strongest person. There are a lot of things I'd be wiling to do to help you with this...let me know. ~A

 

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