Tiny Kisses

My sweet Ashley Kate just popped her eyes open from a late evening nap and began to grunt and reach and cry, "Mommmm, Mommm." I turned toward her expecting to discover that she was talking to me, but instead she was talking to her baby. As soon as I handed it to her she began to cover its face with tiny kisses. She patted it and squeezed it and kissed it over and over again. I giggled to myself thinking, "Surely she must have learned this from me!" I can only hope so. My hope for my Ashley is that everyday of her life she will feel loved by her mommy. I was so touched by her display of love for her baby. She already has the heart to become a mommy some day. Please God, let her grow up and have babies of her own to love, to cherish, to cover with kisses on their puffy cheeks.

I remember the first day we stood before a judge telling her how much we wanted to be Ashley's parents. We were asking her to sign an order allowing us to be with her at the hospital. At the end of the court session, Dave and I were the last two to leave the court room and the judge looked at us and this is what she said, "I am afraid you might be setting yourselves up to suffer from a broken heart." My husband responded, " I think its too late. We love her already." As we walked down the hallway and out of the court house the attorney that was assigned to represent our Ashley said to us, "You may have been chosen to be the ones to love her while she is here. Perhaps you will be the people that have been called to hold her for the days that she has." No one expected her to last long. No one thought my Ashley would survive. To be honest, Dave and I didn't even know. All we knew is that we loved her.

Loving someone is not always easy, but it is worth it. When you love someone you do open yourself up to become broken. Along with our broken heart for our Ashley came a love so deep that could only be given from the Father. There were many days early on that it seemed the door may have been closing, but then Dave and I would ask each other, "What if He isn't closing the door? What if He is saying to us how far are you willing to go? Are you willing to take one more step?" We would head out the door to begin what seemed to be the impossible and tell God, "We are willing, but You will HAVE to lead us. We have no power in this situation. We have no control. Please guide us if this is Your will. Take us where we need to go." I can not share the details of the difficulties we faced in order to hold our sweet Ashley, but I can share with you that the things that occurred, the places we were led, the events that were to unfold came only by the hand of an almighty God. We could not have orchestrated this adoption. We could not have made everything fall into place. We were led daily by the hand of God. He showed us time and time again when we were powerless to make her ours that He had a plan and a will for her life. Loving Ashley has been the easy part. Stepping back and allowing Him to take over every detail was not. There were days when I thought my heart would burst. There were many, many phone calls between those who knew the details of my babies life where I could do nothing but sob. My heart cried for my baby. My heart longed to be with her. My heart loved her. My heart was powerless. My heart had to become willing to be broken in order for Him to do His work.

Tonight as I place tiny kisses on my Ashley's cheeks I stand in awe of the place I find myself in. How privileged I am to be her mommy. How blessed I am to KNOW that He gave her to me to love. The days are hard, The days are long. The days don't always bring me understanding, but they do bring me closer to the One who is in control of them. I may never know why we must spend this time away from home. Away from her daddy, and Blake, and Allie. I may never understand why we are still in this PICU. I just know that my heart must continue to stay willing. Willing to be used even though I feel sad. Willing to be used even though I am confused. He has never failed to work His plan in Ashley's life. I don't expect Him to now.

Thank you again for loving her so much. Thank you again for praying for her. Thank you again for coming back and allowing me to empty myself onto the pages of her story. In the end, in the last chapter, my hearts desire is for Ashley's story to lead to His.