Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

1/26/2007

Losing

As much as I hate to admit it, I do live in fear. As I wake up each morning in this PICU I can't help but say thank you over and over again that we made it one more day. I know that fear is wrong and I know that it is not of God, but I don't know how to make it go away. I am scared.

Tonight the world lost. It lost something so very precious and it breaks my heart to know that so much of it has no idea who we had to say good bye too. I only loved Ginny from a distance. I only knew her as our neighbor from across the hall, but there was something so precious about this child. I watched the battle for her life. I cheered her on. I prayed that God would ease her pain. I so desperately wanted her to beat the odds. Over the last couple of months I grew to love not only Ginny, but her Grandmother also. She came. She sat. She cried. She comforted. She prayed. She never failed to stop and check on my Ashley(although she sometimes called her Amy). She put my Ashley on the prayer list at her church. Grandma loved Ginny. You could feel it. When she talked about her you could hear it. As I passed her in the hall tonight all I could do was pat her on the shoulder. Such a simple touch. I just wanted her to know that I too grieved her loss.

I just came in from saying good bye to Ginny's grandmother and Father. They hugged me tight and whispered for me to fight hard. "You have a long battle before you, and you must be strong." I cried and couldn't speak. I whispered to them that I loved her and that I would never forget her. Losing her is hard. It frightens me. It makes me wonder, "Do any of them make it?" We lose them every week. This is killing me and I don't understand why this hurts so bad. Will my Ashley make it? Ginny fought for 14 years and tonight she has been received. Received by the One who created her. Received to spend an eternity free from the body that caused her so much pain. I am thankful for that.

Ashley lost her G-J tube today. It had coiled up into her stomach and she has been violently vomiting for most of the day. They pulled it out and I begged them to give her some time. I don't think she is strong enough to go through another procedure that would place her on the ventilator. Ash is breathing better than she has since her transplant and I am scared of losing it. They have agreed to give her a week to get stronger before taking her down to place her 5th one since her transplant. I pray for God to do BIG things in the next week. I know He can make things change.


Losing frightens me. I know I am blessed to have today with her. I am thankful that I get to hold her tonight. I am reminded that they all belong to Him. He chooses to share them with us for a time. I have to live today and not fear what tomorrow might hold. I am blessed. She is still here and she has not lost. She still fights. She still calls out "Mama" when she wants me to hold her. She pats my face and steals my glasses. She holds tightly to my fingers and squeezes them to let me know she loves me. If I ask her, "Ashley, do you love your mommy?", she replies with a nod, "Yes!!!"

12 Comments:

At 8:20 PM , Anonymous Amanda D. said...

Ginny and her family will remain in my thougths and prayers.

I am glad that Ashley is breathing so well on her on.

Have a restful night!

Amanda

 
At 9:06 PM , Blogger Ashleigh said...

Oh, Trish, I'm so sorry to hear about Ginny. Continuing to pray for her family, and for comfort for you. It must be so hard to watch...

 
At 9:19 PM , Blogger Krista said...

It breaks my heart to hear about Ginny. I find the tears are starting to fall and I cant stop them. How I Pray that God will keep Ashley here on earth. I Pray that he will give her a life to grow up and tell everyone her story. Ginny's family will be in my Prayers, I cant even imagine what her grandmother is feeling tonight, I hope she finds comfort someway through God. I hope Ashley gets some rest from her vomiting episodes and will feel better in the morning. I know you are having a rough time, but you are so strong and God has you in this place for a reason. You are an amazing person and he will truly Bless you for that. Good night.

 
At 10:11 PM , Anonymous marva mcrae said...

Still here........still praying ... for you, Ash and Ginny's family! God is merciful. May HIS sweet arms hold you securely throught the night and big things happen for Ash in the coming days! Peace be with you. Sleep well.

 
At 10:14 PM , Anonymous amy borden said...

Trish ~

My heart aches for Ginny's family and those of you who knew and loved her... even if for a short while.

Odds... they are difficult. I always hated hearing the "odds" when it came to my child's health and survival. I often had to force myself to remember that God sees my child as an individual... He sees not odds, but purpose. I hope that you can find some true comfort in that. I wish I had a verse on hand to share. I will try to find one appropriate for such fear in the next few days.

We love your family and you are in our every prayer.

 
At 10:29 PM , Blogger Karen said...

Trish, I'm so sorry that Ginny lost her fight, and I'm so sorry that it hurts so badly. What mommy wouldn't be fearful of what tomorrow holds in a situation like yours? You and Ginny's family are in my prayers tonight. I hope you and Ashley get some rest tonight, and I'll be praying for that miracle...

 
At 10:30 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praying for Ginny's family! We also continue to pray for all of you.

Hope you all get some rest tonight. God bless!

Lori

 
At 10:56 PM , Anonymous Nikki said...

Praying for you and Ashley and all your requests. Maybe there's comfort in the fact that the world's loss was Ginny's reward, and Jesus' inheritance returning home to Him. I like to picture her in His arms and Ashley in yours.

 
At 11:30 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I apologize if I caused any unnecessary stress for you today as that was not my intention. I feel the need to explain myself, but not here, not now. You are in my prayers, as is Ginny's family. Sleep well. Take care. ~A

 
At 11:31 PM , Anonymous christy said...

praying for ginny's family.....praying for you.....praying for ash....praying for dave...and blake and allie....praying...
yes..your right...fear is not of God.....but what do we do about it....if you find that out...let us know. i'm praying your fear will subside and that you will have peace ...and joy...HIS abiding joy!!

 
At 1:22 AM , Blogger Heather said...

Trish-
Please know that you are in the PICU during a stretch like we've not seen in many years...while the road is normally long and unbelievably difficult we do really have the success stories who make it out, stay out, and do well. Thank you, though, for caring so much about the rest of the kids around you. I know the families appreciate it.

 
At 5:01 AM , Blogger Erna said...

How heavy my heart is for Ginny's family. I will pray for them as they come to mind. May God also wrap His mighty arms around you as you sit in the PICU and wait. God bless you today.

 

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