Losing

As much as I hate to admit it, I do live in fear. As I wake up each morning in this PICU I can't help but say thank you over and over again that we made it one more day. I know that fear is wrong and I know that it is not of God, but I don't know how to make it go away. I am scared.

Tonight the world lost. It lost something so very precious and it breaks my heart to know that so much of it has no idea who we had to say good bye too. I only loved Ginny from a distance. I only knew her as our neighbor from across the hall, but there was something so precious about this child. I watched the battle for her life. I cheered her on. I prayed that God would ease her pain. I so desperately wanted her to beat the odds. Over the last couple of months I grew to love not only Ginny, but her Grandmother also. She came. She sat. She cried. She comforted. She prayed. She never failed to stop and check on my Ashley(although she sometimes called her Amy). She put my Ashley on the prayer list at her church. Grandma loved Ginny. You could feel it. When she talked about her you could hear it. As I passed her in the hall tonight all I could do was pat her on the shoulder. Such a simple touch. I just wanted her to know that I too grieved her loss.

I just came in from saying good bye to Ginny's grandmother and Father. They hugged me tight and whispered for me to fight hard. "You have a long battle before you, and you must be strong." I cried and couldn't speak. I whispered to them that I loved her and that I would never forget her. Losing her is hard. It frightens me. It makes me wonder, "Do any of them make it?" We lose them every week. This is killing me and I don't understand why this hurts so bad. Will my Ashley make it? Ginny fought for 14 years and tonight she has been received. Received by the One who created her. Received to spend an eternity free from the body that caused her so much pain. I am thankful for that.

Ashley lost her G-J tube today. It had coiled up into her stomach and she has been violently vomiting for most of the day. They pulled it out and I begged them to give her some time. I don't think she is strong enough to go through another procedure that would place her on the ventilator. Ash is breathing better than she has since her transplant and I am scared of losing it. They have agreed to give her a week to get stronger before taking her down to place her 5th one since her transplant. I pray for God to do BIG things in the next week. I know He can make things change.


Losing frightens me. I know I am blessed to have today with her. I am thankful that I get to hold her tonight. I am reminded that they all belong to Him. He chooses to share them with us for a time. I have to live today and not fear what tomorrow might hold. I am blessed. She is still here and she has not lost. She still fights. She still calls out "Mama" when she wants me to hold her. She pats my face and steals my glasses. She holds tightly to my fingers and squeezes them to let me know she loves me. If I ask her, "Ashley, do you love your mommy?", she replies with a nod, "Yes!!!"