Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

1/25/2007

Waiting for Her Smile

I think I have finally put my finger on it. I have been trying to figure out what in the world is making this week so hard on me? Every where I look I see blessings falling around me. Ash is getting better. Blake and Al are having a good week. Dave is his happy, optimistic self, but me? what is my problem this week. I just feel really down. Tonight I think I found out why. I miss it. I miss seeing it. I miss looking at it. I miss Ashley's smile. That little smile that has a streak of ornery in it. Its that smile that makes me know everything is going to be OK. Its that one thing that she shares with everyone who walks into her room. Its gone. It has been gone for 10 days and it makes me so sad that I can't see it. I pray that it will come back.

I did hold her today and as soon as she calmed and began to settle into my chest I instantly began to cry. I have missed her so very much and just to be able to feel her relax into me even though it didn't last long meant the world to me. I really needed that today. I love this little girl so very much and I wish I could make this all go away for her. It hurts to see her struggle, but even as I watch her fight another night I am blessed. Our sweet friend Ginny is struggling even more and to think about all she is going through is very, very hard on all those around. My heart is broken to think that she may not be here tomorrow or the next. I just wanted things to be better for her. I wanted her to get strong enough to have another transplant and I wanted her to live. I don't want for her to go. She has the most amazing spirit and I have grown to love her from afar. My prayer for her now is that she might find peace. Her little body has endured so much and if He does not will for her to survive then I pray that He will show mercy on her and allow her to rest. My heart is heavy for her.

Tonight Dave and I have been shown how very blessed we are. We have a family. We have a warm home. We have food on the table. We have a business that allows us to provide for our children. We have a faith. We have hope. We are reminded that there are precious people in our home town who do not have what we have. They are cold. They are hungry. They are desperate. They have souls that hurt and bodies that have been abused. They have lost all hope and they need to be shown the love of Christ. I pray that we will never forget that He endured the cross for them too. His grace is sufficient for them. My hope is that we will make a difference to those who feel as though they have nothing. Nothing to live for. Nothing to keep trying for. I hope that my children will see the value in those who others do not. I pray that they will remember that we loved them and that Jesus died for all. It wasn't just for us. Father, only you know the burden we carry in our heart tonight. I pray that You will show yourself to those who feel as though they have lost it all. Please touch them tonight. Keep them warm. Help them to feel Your love and Your presence in their lives. Thank you for blessing us so richly. We will forever be humbled by your grace.

Good night from our room. We are honored to have the opportunity to share our Ashley's story with you. Thank you for loving us and for loving her. Trish

8 Comments:

At 10:21 PM , Blogger Jayme said...

I am so glad that you got to hold Ashley today. I hope that you will get to hold her more and more in the next few days.

 
At 11:33 PM , Anonymous jaka said...

Trish,
I hope that you and Ashley both have a wonderful rest tonight in your new room. Hopefully it will bring plenty of smiles for the both you.

 
At 12:04 AM , Blogger Grandma Cathy said...

I have never commented on Ashley's journal before, but I've read it all, since I found it about three weeks ago. I have cried almost everynight after reading your posts. Trish you are an amazing woman of God and I'm blessed daily reading your family's story. I was in the PICU at a hospital in Iowa yesturday visiting my great nephew who is 2 months old and the whole time I was watching him I was thinking of you and little Ashley. I pray tonight that God would Send a Mommy In need, Lots of Encouraging Smiles! God Bless you Trish, keep looking up He is smiling down on you for your perserverence, faith, and love that you are displaying to several people. Hang in there. Smile, because Jesus loves you and Ashley!

 
At 12:47 AM , Anonymous Janiece Baldwin said...

I'm not sure there are really any words that can truly describe a mother's feelings when she is holding her child. It doesn't matter whether that child is a tiny baby, a toddler, a teenager or even if that child happens to be a grown adult. The fact is, whatever the age, they are still our child. It is such a wonderful experience with all sorts of emotions that can flood our hearts and brings us such joy. Only a mother, with a mother's heart, can understand those feelings and so I am so thankful, Trish, that the Lord blessed both you and Ashley as you held your baby. Thank You, dear Lord for Your loving heart.
Thank You, for hearing our prayers.

 
At 7:02 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praying for you as always.

 
At 9:06 AM , Blogger Krista said...

Trish,
It is Ok to have some bad days, that is so natural. It is so evident how much you love this baby and all mothers know just what you are feeling. Just to smell their little hair and cuddle with them makes you want to squeeze and never let go. Ashley is so very Blessed to have been brought into your family. There is not another family around that could care and love her as much as you do. I am Praying that God will take away her pain so you can hold her all day. I hope you were able to get rest last night. I will Pray for little Ginny, My heart breaks for her and her family. I Pray God will take away her suffering and either heal her body or let her rest. You are so amazing to carry other's burdens while you struggle with your own. I know God is using your family to to show everyone that we have to let go and let Him take over. Faith and Trust is all we have in this world. We love you and get some rest.

 
At 9:19 AM , Anonymous Grandma said...

I love you! Still praying!

 
At 9:26 AM , Anonymous DAVE said...

How blessed am I to be married to such a woman!

 

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