Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

1/25/2007

Mother, May I?

I feel as though this is the game we are playing. " Ashley, You may take two baby steps forward." " Mother, may I?" "Yes, you may." "Ashley you may take 2 giant leaps forward." Off she goes forgetting to ask , "Mother, may I?" so she is forced to turn all the way back around and start the game again. Today I see my Ashley taking those two baby steps forward in some directions and a couple of baby steps backwards in others.(so thankful not to see any giant leaps backwards!)

The good news during rounds is that we are beginning to feel comfortable with her fluid status. Her BUN(blood urea nitrogen level) is continuing to trend down. This morning it was at 40 down from last nights 52. We are taking baby steps toward the goal of under 20. The good news is that with these baby steps her kidneys are becoming happier and happier. Happy kidneys make for happy parents and happy doctors! The bad news during rounds is that the TPN continues to affect Ashley's liver and her enzymes are climbing. Again they are only taking the baby steps, but the steps are going in the wrong direction. To combat the climbing ALT and AST numbers we are turning off her lipids (this makes me so happy!) and we are changing her feeds to 15 ccs an hour and her TPN to 15ccs per hour at an increased caloric value of 20. The bad news with this change is that Ashley is gagging and nauseated and I am praying she remembers to ask, "Mother may I?" before she is sent tumbling back to the beginning from a vomitting episode. The good news is that her bilirubin is only a .7 and this makes me smiley. More good news is that Ash continues to breathe on her own without ANY oxygen support and her sats are between 95 and 97. Only God could bring about this change in her lung status in such a short period of time. She hasn't even been off the ventilator for a week so I consider this to be two giant leaps forward in the right direction.

As I think about all that we have been going through in the mind set of this little game what a lesson I am learning. This is exactly how I sometimes feel in my walk of faith. There are times when I remember to ask, "Father, May I" and He responds with "Yes, you may take those two giant leaps forward." Yeah, me! Then I turn around and forget to ask and before you know it I am back at the beginning left to wonder, "What did I do wrong?". Silly me, I forgot to ask. No wonder I am struggling. He wants to bless me. He wants to prosper me. He wants me to depend on Him and not take my eyes off of Him. He just wants to know me and love me. All I have to do is remember that I was not created to live this life on my own. Always taking giant leaps forward and skipping over those crucial baby steps. Sometimes I need to be sent all the way back to the beginning so I can start over and just remember to talk to Him.

I think Ash is beginning to feel a little better this morning. Not any giant leaps, just those tiny baby steps, but I am more than thankful for any movement as long as it is in the right direction. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for continuing to put up with all of my ramblings. Thank you for loving this little one who has been such a gift in my life. I hope you all get a chance to play the game today and let me remind you it is so worth it to pause before stepping and ask, "Father, may I?". I love you guys. Trish

5 Comments:

At 11:54 AM , Blogger jtcosby said...

I wish you knew how much you inspire me to remember why I am here...I forget on a minute by minute basis...God gave me four children to love and care for...I forget they are not mine...I forget my money is not mine, my husband, my life...my house, etc. You get the picture...I just appreciate the reminder.

 
At 12:15 PM , Anonymous marva mcrae said...

Still praying for ASh's needs (and yours too) here in Alabama! Sending hugs your way and waiting for more good news in the next post. He is so good ...all of the time!

 
At 12:34 PM , Anonymous Suzanne said...

You inspire & teach me little lessons nearly every visit to this site. Thank you. I especially can relate to the Game...in relation to FAITH. Some moments I feel so strong in my FAITH & other moments I am struggling...(usually because I am not putting HIM first & "asking" before I step). Never thought of it in relation to that game but that puts a good visual to the picture.....doesn't it? You truly need to publish your journal at some point......so many more lives will be touched & God can continue to use you to teach & inspire others. (= Thankful for the BUN getting a bit better....& that her SATS look good with no O2 on. Praying for all the other concerns.... You are a GREAT mom to your sweet children. (= Have a blessed day...

 
At 1:02 PM , Blogger Karen said...

Trish, as you mentioned in one of your previous posts, wow what knowledge you have of some many things now--you could probably read all of Ashley's lab reports yourself and know what was good and what is not. Sometimes life puts us in a position to learn a lot more about things than we ever would have chosen to learn! I'm happy about all the improvements Ashley is showing this morning. Thank you, as always, for sharing your life with us--you are an inspiration to so many! Love in Him, Karen

 
At 1:31 PM , Anonymous Nikki said...

It is so weird, I've thought about that exact same analogy before as the Lord was teaching me to be content in the baby steps and not always try to go too far ahead. I think it takes pretty much our whole life to learn. Unfortunately, I find that no matter how committed I am to remember it in the good times, I get lulled right back into needing to be reminded once more. Maybe not all the way back to the beginning, but certainly enough to remember that He is God and I am nothing but in need of Him. But God is good. I think as long as we're seeking Him we are always moving more forward than back. It must not always feel this way with Ashley, when you have been there for ALL of it from the very beginning and we only get the highlights/lowlights of her daily progress. But spiritually, speaking from the outside, you are definitely moving closer to the Father, even if there are small steps backward in your estimation. I pray for Ashley to feel better right now more than anything. I know she needs to get better, but more than that for just a little while, I am praying for rest from her pain before she must move on again. I'm sorry for you to have endure watching it just to do what's good for her. That is so hard. I'm also praying for your "mother's heart." I wrote a remarkebly similar post to that one about the same time - and I'm dealing with way smaller issues. It's excrutiating to be away from our kiddos, even if for such a necessary reason as this. God knows you can't be away from home forever, so I trust His timing to reflect that. Sorry I'm babbling. I'm not near as concise at describing heart matters as you. All that to say, I'm still praying and I hope Ashley feels much better really soon.

 

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