Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

1/27/2007

I Can't do It.

The tears won't stop. They fall and they fall and they fall. There are times on this journey that I feel so strong. I feel as though I can do this. I could do this for a thousand years and never grow weary because I love her. Then there are times when I wonder what will I do if I am asked someday to stop doing this? How will I go on? I would never survive without her in my arms. As I travel this road with my beautiful Ashley I learn of more and more mothers who have walked a similar path and who have done it so faithfully and so beautifully. In the end they have had to say good bye and allow their precious child to go on to heaven without them. They have had to leave the familiarity of the hospital and return to empty nurseries with empty arms. I realize more and more that I am not strong. I pray this will not be me. I pray with everything inside of me that when I leave this hospital room that I leave with my sweet Ashley in my arms. Then I wonder to myself, "Why?" "Why do I think that I should be allowed to keep my baby when so many others were not?" I am still becoming broken.

I am broken before the Lord tonight. My heart aches with the knowledge that my Ashley, my beautiful gift from Him is not any different than the hundreds of other critically ill children whom He has received unto Himself. She was created just as they to do His will. To bring glory to the One Who created her. When she has done what He has asked her to do then she too will go home to be in heaven.

Tonight I am realizing that there is so very much work to be done in my life and in my heart. I cling to her life and to her every breath. I feel as though if she no longer breathed that I wouldn't either. If she no longer smiled then neither would I.

As I type she lays behind me in her crib calling my name. The name I wasn't given the day of my birth, but the name that defines me. "Mommmm" she calls. I love that name. I love to hear her say it. I love to hear Blake say it. I love to her Allison say it. I love that the Father has given me the opportunity to become it. He has allowed me to have a glimpse into His heart. There is nothing He would not do for His children. He was willing to give His life for them. For me. For us. I now understand how you could love someone so much, so deeply that you would give yourself for them. If only I could give my life so that she could keep hers. If only I could take the pain on myself so that she did not have to feel it. This is love. Love so deep that her happiness come before my own. Her survival is more important than my own.

I am realizing that I can't do this. Only He can do this in me. I don't have the strength to be this person that He wants for me to be. He will have to give it to me. I feel as though I'm failing. I am failing the biggest test I have ever taken. I pray that He will strengthen me. That He will equip me to be the person He wants, the example they deserve, the mom they can count on to be strong. Tonight I am praying because I know that without Him I can't do this.

8 Comments:

At 11:37 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praying for you tonight....I believe God created those tears for a reason...so let them fall...so that He can love you even more than you can imagine. That is what He loves most about us...when we are broken and lean upon Him for that comfort that only He can provide. I have prayed for you so very much these past few days....God has put you on my heart so very often. May you find sweet rest tonight.

 
At 1:18 AM , Anonymous Janiece Baldwin said...

Trish, the key is that you have realized that in and of yourself you can not "do it". But, with Jesus you can. My life's verse is:

"I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Phil. 4:13 KJV

When there is sickness or great difficulties, it is only natural for us to question how we will stand up under the pressures. We must stop and go to our Merciful Father and ask for His wisdom, His strength, His grace and His peace to get us through these times. It is through Him that He enables us when we can't even stop our tears and our fears, especially for our children or our family. And, yes, there are times we feel we can't and/or don't want to go on. I speak from experience when my mother died many years ago. I won't go into all that but only to say by the grace of God I got through it. I KNOW He did it.

We are praying, praying, praying for Ashley's healing and for her to join Blake, Allie and her daddy back home. We are praying, praying, praying for you, Trish, for God's mighty strength and comfort that will get you through all these knowns and unknowns in the days to come. Praying that He is your source of peace through it all.

Father, hold her up, help her stand, give her the endurance to stay the course and remind her You are the One to keep running to with her tears. Thank You, Father, for loving us and listening to our prayers. Thank You, Father, for the testimony and the witness of Ashley's Story that has spread all around. Thank you, Father, for Trish's devotion to You and her family. Thank You for Jesus in His precious name I pray....Amen

 
At 3:48 AM , Blogger Suzy said...

((((Trish)))) You don't know me but I've been reading your blog for a while for updates on your precious Ashley. I just wanted to send you a virtual hug and say I'm praying for you and all your family from all the way over her in the UK.

 
At 6:24 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

We continue to pray for you with lots of love. Know that He will never put you in a situation that you can't handle, but giving it to Him is what it takes to see it through. There is a reason Ashley is going through this, if only for the testimony of the lives she's touched and through your (and Dave's) example of Christ-likeness. Keep pressing on, He will comfort you when the tears fall, He will hold your hand when you feel like you're falling, but He will never let you go. God is still in control!

 
At 7:26 AM , Blogger crygibb said...

I am praying for you as well. God is with you, and will help you.

 
At 7:59 AM , Blogger Karen said...

Trish--you are not failing at all. You are simply human, and as humans we question our abilities to do things. You are doing a beautiful job of being the mommy that God called you to be. This is such a difficult road that you are on, and you are allowing God to work through you to make you a better person, a better mommy, a better wife, a better friend. That is all anyone could ever ask of you. God will give you exactly what you need to make it through each minute of each day. If we did not have these moments that draw us to our knees, our relationship with God would not grow and become deeper. You are doing great--hang in there! Love and blessings, Karen

 
At 9:23 AM , Blogger Susan said...

Trish, you are so honest and real before God. I know that He is honored by your willingness to admit that it is not by your strength that you can do all that you have, are and will do. He is able to do so much more through us when we are at that point of knowing that we cannot, but, yes, He can! You are such a beautiful reflection of the God's heart.

 
At 9:34 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish, you don't even know it but, you are doing an amazing job of keeping it all together. God will give you the stength when you don't think you have any at all. In our weakness, we can be strong. "I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Phil. 4:13 KJV

Just keep up the good fight and it is okay to feel sad and to cry. That is why God gave us tears. He understands how you feel. I pray that God will hold your hand so tightly and you can feel his presence. Please just take those baby steps and one day at a time. You are doing great even though you think you aren't. We love you. Love Always, Matt and Cindy Adams

 

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