I Can't do It.

The tears won't stop. They fall and they fall and they fall. There are times on this journey that I feel so strong. I feel as though I can do this. I could do this for a thousand years and never grow weary because I love her. Then there are times when I wonder what will I do if I am asked someday to stop doing this? How will I go on? I would never survive without her in my arms. As I travel this road with my beautiful Ashley I learn of more and more mothers who have walked a similar path and who have done it so faithfully and so beautifully. In the end they have had to say good bye and allow their precious child to go on to heaven without them. They have had to leave the familiarity of the hospital and return to empty nurseries with empty arms. I realize more and more that I am not strong. I pray this will not be me. I pray with everything inside of me that when I leave this hospital room that I leave with my sweet Ashley in my arms. Then I wonder to myself, "Why?" "Why do I think that I should be allowed to keep my baby when so many others were not?" I am still becoming broken.

I am broken before the Lord tonight. My heart aches with the knowledge that my Ashley, my beautiful gift from Him is not any different than the hundreds of other critically ill children whom He has received unto Himself. She was created just as they to do His will. To bring glory to the One Who created her. When she has done what He has asked her to do then she too will go home to be in heaven.

Tonight I am realizing that there is so very much work to be done in my life and in my heart. I cling to her life and to her every breath. I feel as though if she no longer breathed that I wouldn't either. If she no longer smiled then neither would I.

As I type she lays behind me in her crib calling my name. The name I wasn't given the day of my birth, but the name that defines me. "Mommmm" she calls. I love that name. I love to hear her say it. I love to hear Blake say it. I love to her Allison say it. I love that the Father has given me the opportunity to become it. He has allowed me to have a glimpse into His heart. There is nothing He would not do for His children. He was willing to give His life for them. For me. For us. I now understand how you could love someone so much, so deeply that you would give yourself for them. If only I could give my life so that she could keep hers. If only I could take the pain on myself so that she did not have to feel it. This is love. Love so deep that her happiness come before my own. Her survival is more important than my own.

I am realizing that I can't do this. Only He can do this in me. I don't have the strength to be this person that He wants for me to be. He will have to give it to me. I feel as though I'm failing. I am failing the biggest test I have ever taken. I pray that He will strengthen me. That He will equip me to be the person He wants, the example they deserve, the mom they can count on to be strong. Tonight I am praying because I know that without Him I can't do this.