Tough Questions

As I was visiting with my nurse this morning over a difficult situation I have been faced with she asked me this question, "So do you believe that God is involved with everything that happens in your life and that all things happen for a reason?" My immediate response was, "Yes, absolutely. I know that He is and that they do."

How odd it was for me to be posed with this question when I had just spent my entire morning shower praying about Ashley's life and all that she has been faced with. I was wondering to myself if God caused Ashley to become ill or if He had allowed her to become ill. I know that she was created just exactly how He designed her, but I also believe that Ashley's struggles are a direct result from poor decision making on another's part. What is the correct answer? Does it even matter if I find it? For some reason I have just been struggling with it. I was given a verse to think about and to apply to my Ashley's life and I seem to be confused by it.

Matthew 18:14 - Even so it is not the will of the Father who is in heaven that one

of these little ones should perish.

I don't believe that the Father wants for Ashley to die, or that He wanted her to be chronically ill, but I do believe that He wants to use her life to bring us closer to Him. This is very difficult to explain because I go back and forth in my own mind about it. I do believe that He has already numbered the days of her life, but He has also numbered mine. He never promised us this life would be easy. As a matter of fact He told us that there would be trials and their would be struggles. I am praying that as we face those in our daughter's life that we can bring it all back around to serving Him and His purpose for them. This is not easy for me to do. There are days when I want it all to go away.

When it comes down to it all I know that I can trust Him. I know that I have placed my faith in the One who created the mountains that I can't climb. I know that I have placed my faith in the One knows how many grains of sand are on the beaches. I know that I have placed my faith in the One who can calm the waves in the ocean. I know that I have placed my faith in the One who can forgive the vilest of sins. I know that I have placed my faith in the One who can heal the pain in my heart that seems so deep and so confusing and so overwhelming. I know that His plan for Ashley will be more beautiful than any that I could come up with on my own, but I have to allow Him to work it in her life. He does not have to do things my way. He is not a God that I can demand to heal my daughter. He is not a God that can be manipulated by my fits. He is not a God that has to be told what to do. HE IS GOD. I can't control Him, and I don't want to. What type of God would He be if I could? Certainly not one that I would want to serve. He has a wisdom far beyond my understanding. He loves deeper than I can comprehend. As much as I love my Ashley can you believe that He loves her more? This is the God that I want to place my faith in. This is the God that I believe is involved in every detail of my life and in Ashley's.

I am faced with many tough questions by those who are trying to understand my faith. I can't answer them. I struggle to answer my own. All I know is that this place, this time, this situation has not occurred by accident. Her life, her struggles, her pain, her laughter, her smiles, her joy are not by chance. He is involved. He does care. I just know that this is what I believe.