Captured, not on film...
...but forever in my heart. I just arrived back at the hospital and slipped into my Ashley's room to find a baby gherkin and her daddy all cuddled up on the bed together. She in her new purple jammies and he in his stylish yellow gown, blue mask, and green gloves. As I approached she snored and he peeked and waved hello. How I wish I had my camera!
I remember the days when Dave was in school and he would come home in the evenings and fall asleep with our Blake on his chest. I can still see the two of them laying on the couch snoring together. That image has been captured in my heart forever.
I can still see our beautiful "Allie Girl" sleeping all tucked under his arm. Our first summer in Longview she was only a few months old and Dave was busy working to open our practice. He would come in, scoop her up in his arms, and rock them both to sleep while Blake played under my feet as I fixed dinner.
What a blessing to have the images of our "babies" sleeping safely, peacefully, soundly in his arms. Tonight as I tucked Blake and Al into bed I stopped and stared at these young people. Where did our babies go? They have grown up in just a matter of moments. I kissed those foreheads and whispered in their ears just as I have their entire lives. What a gift this job of parenting them has been. I love them so much!
The past few weeks I have been struggling to find sleep. I lay down and I can't rest. I feel anxious, uneasy, and frightened. How I wish I could find peace. How I long to see myself resting in His arms just like the image I have of our babies resting in Dave's arms. Before Ashley's transplant I would dread the night time hours. Nightmares of losing our sweet baby haunted me. Now I find myself in the midst of them again. I lay awake and talk to the Father until I become so tired that I drift in out of my prayers. I drove past our church yesterday and read these words on the sign out front. "Do your best and lay down in peace Knowing that He will do the rest." I thought to myself,"Peace is what I need. Where is it? and why am I having to fight so hard for it?" I don't know what is tearing me up or why it is happening, but I do know that He is near and is taking care of my children. I don't need to fear.
Tonight I am going to concentrate on that image. The one of me sleeping, resting in the Father's arms. Allowing Him to shelter me from whatever fears are hiding inside of me. I am going to talk to Him until the words no longer come. I believe He CAN give me a place to rest.