A daily Choice
I've had lots of time on my hands the past three weeks. Day after day of sitting in a hospital room affords me hours and hours of time to read. I just completed a book that spoke to my heart in an amazing way. In one paragraph of the book the author, who is telling her own story, writes this:
"I realized that my depression and anger against God weren't doing anything to make the situation more bearable for us. In fact it was only making it worse. I knew that I had a choice to make. I could give in to my resentment and allow it to dig me deeper and deeper into a hole, or I could choose to believe that what God's word says is true is whether I was feeling it or not."
Exactly! Is what I thought. I understand exactly what she is saying. Over the last two years I have had a battle raging inside of my heart. Raging between what I know is truth and what I feel at the moment. I have fought not to give in to the "not feeling it right now" mentality. I wake up every day and choose to believe Him no matter what. Oh, sure on the good days its easy to believe He loves Ash and He loves us, but short bowel? liver failure? transplant? sepsis? cardiac arrest? lymphoma? and now rejection? On those days the battle tries to rage. Not every day is a victory. Not every day is easy. Not every day do I understand. Not every day do I "feel" His promises, but every day is a blessing. Every day is a gift. Every day does belong to Him. Every day He is there waiting(patiently might I add) for me to decide. Trust Him or don't? Believe in Him or not? Turn to Him or run from Him? It is a choice each and every day and on the bad days it can be a choice each and every hour.
I will never understand the whys? It will never make sense to me. Will He heal Ash or won't He? Will she grow up to be a young lady some day or not? Only He knows and only He has the right to decide. I don't always "feel" saved. I don't always "feel" loved. I don't always "feel" peace. I don't always "feel" He is near, but praise Him because He always is! His love for my sweet Ashley Kate is not based on a "feeling". My eternity is not based on a "feeling". However it is based on truth. His truth. His promises.
"My hope is built on NOTHING LESS, than JESUS blood and righteousness."
When the walls of this room feel as though they are going to close in on me and when the emotions that come feel as though they will crush me, I choose to believe that He is good, and He is able, and He is near. Some nights I cry out to Him and tell Him that I don't feel anything. I lay with my eyes closed next to her crib and plead for help for her. I need Him more than anything right now and running from Him is not an option whether I "feel" like it is truth or not.
Thank You Father for not NEEDING to know me, but for WANTING to. I am blown away by the depths of your love for me and for my sweet Ashley Kate. Keep me close no matter what YOU decide to do. Allow me to see You in her face each time I look at her. Allow me to
hear You in her voice each time she laughs. Allow me to feel You in her touch each time she reaches out for me. Allow me to always be changed because of loving this little girl who You have given to me. I am grateful for each breath, each moment, each day, each experience. Thank you.
posted by Ashley @ 9:59 PM
16 Comments:
How true are those words! It really IS a battle, though I had never thought of it that way. It is so difficult to make that good and right choice. I am praying whole heartedly for little Ashley, and will pray for you and your husband and kids. I will pray that you all will win those battles.
Trish, How I hurt for where you hurt right now. I have been there, and my prayer for you is that you will never hang out there, at that place, long, but faithfully realize your weakness that needs to be replaced with His strength. I think that the words of the Apostle Paul say it well when he said that he "beats his body into submission". When you face trials like these, that is exactly what it feels like. God "understands your frame, He knows that you are but dust, a wind that passes away...". Isn't it amazing that the One who has every right to condemn, instead stands with open arms to embrace us, to comfort us, to strengthen us, to nurture us, who may not take our circumstances away, but who holds us in the palm of His hand and promises to never leave us, or forsake us. WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERVE. Mighty in love, compassion, faithfulness and longsuffering. Praying your soul can rest against His breast tonight and may you experience His Love and Peace....
The Father is working through you and sweetie pie Ashley to witness to all of us "out here" in a profound way, which makes a complete circle all the way back to you and Ashley surrounding you with His love and faithfulness.
Your post makes me think of Prov 3:5-7.
Praying,
Amanda-Myrtle Beach, SC
Thinking or you tonight- thank you for sharing Ashley's story with us again today. Blessings to you.
Megan
Amen Trish, Amen!
Dear Trish...
My name is Emily. I was forwarded your blog address recently and have spent the last few days reading it from start to present. My heart aches for you and sweet baby Ashley. In so many ways she reminds me of my daughter, Alivia. Livi was 2 when she passed away in July and before that she fought leukemia harder than anyone I have known. Your Ashley is cut from the same cloth. What a fighter she is.
I wish there was some tangible way I could help you, comfort you, something. But I will pray and that is the best any of us can do.
My Livi loved stickers. When she was at her sickest and couldn't walk anymore she spent hours in her hospital bed putting stickers on every surface. I am going to send some of her stickers to Ashley. Maybe she will enjoy them like Livi did.
Keep blogging. It's hard sometimes and people make silly comments but you will be so glad you can look back on it when Ashley is all well and read her the story of how God healed her.
*Emily
What a beautiful blessing of a post, Trish. Thank you. Know that I continue to pray for you and Ashley at the hospital and the rest of your family at home. Much love in Christ, Erica
I woke up this morning feeling like God is so far from me today. I feel lonely and not important to anyone. I even cried before I got out of the bed because I felt so alone in this world.
Thank you for your post. It was sent for me. I can't base my life on feelings or emotions. Only on the word of God.
The reality is, I am not alone. Not only is God always with me, but I have a family that loves me and lots of friends. The enemy is trying to get me to believe a lie.
I know you hear this every day, but God is using you! You have ministered to me this morning. Please keep being obedient with your writing. God has used you today to help lift me out of a pit!
I pray for Ashley constantly!
You are beautiful. You can do this. He chose you for this very reason. Keep believing! :)
Prayers,
Heidi
Thank you for that post. You really blessed me. I can so relate to the quote from that book about depression and anger (what book was that? I think I need to read it). You gave me a perspective change, and I really appreciate that.
This is one of your all time best posts. I understand exactly what you mean, but have never been able to word it so eloquently. (Not that you are in this for pretty writing....just that it's nice to have a way to explain it to others by "stealing" your words. Praying for peace for you today and that for a while, God will let you "feel" his promises.
Trish,
Lord lift you up on this Friday morning and restore you with His joy and Hope. He is seeking a deeper love relationship with you through this time of uncertainty. He gives us both faith and feelings. I ask Him to increase your faith to know that feelings may be real, but your faith will always speak the Truth to your feelings. So many of us struggle with this in our own circumstances and don't always "feel" loved, saved, peace. He is always there by your side, he has promised. And He does not break His promise, never.
The song that comes to mind right now is: "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of this world, will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace." You are here Trish, and this is what you are asking of Him, and He is blessing you with it. Your faith is tender and beautiful to Him and to us.
Praying for good results today and that His peace and love fall all over you today. You and Ashley are so loved!!
Laurie in Ca.
Amen! Very well put. Thank you for allowing God to use you to minister to us. Bless you.
Trish ~ Thankfully God never leaves us and understands that we get angry and hurt and sometimes even question. How thankful we are that His love is steadfast and that He has promised to never leave us.
May you find peace in knowing that He is with you at all times. I continue to pray for healing and comfort for precious Ashley. As a mom my heart aches for you Trish. I continue to hold you close.
Praying fervently.....
Love, Jule White
Trish, I will never be able to express how much this blog means to me. As Ashley's Grandma, not only does it keep me "in touch" with you and her, but it has been life changing for me and my walk with God. He is using you in a mighty way as He works to change your heart, my heart and so many, many others and strengthen our walks with Him. I am strenghtened and encouraged each day by your words (the words of the Holy Spirit through you) and by the words of many of the commenters. His light is shining brightly through this "work" that He has called you to do. Thank you for listening to His voice and writing your innermost thoughts, even during the times you don't necessarily "feel" like doing it. It IS changing lives!!!!! I pray that you "feel" His presence with you today in a mighty way and that His peace surrounds you and Ashley. Praying for Gherkin's biopsies this afternoon and for her to be more comfortable. What a little inspirations she is as she fights through her struggles. There is no way this side of Heaven that we will understand why he chose her to go through so much in her tiny body to reach so many, but we must trust Him through it all. He does love her more than we will ever know!!! Lifting you both up to our Father today, in the name of Jesus. Love and Hugs, Grandma
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blown away by the truth of this post - how often have I lost this battle and how often have I confused "feelings" with the truth - WOW - I am going to link my blog to this - I think this is something EVERYONE should read. This IS what it means to walk - this is what it means to hang on in the storm - THIS IS IT! How beautifully said and written. Asking God to bind up your heart and if He chooses not to stop the storm - that you would be able to STAND without being shaken knowing that He holds you. You are SOOOOOOOOOOOO precious and I am sorry this is happening - but OH how you are allowing God to use you. In heaven I think you will be stunned to see how He used you and your precious heart to teach so many and how He used Ashley and her struggles to soften hearts and bring praise and prayer from so many! Keeping you and your family on my heart and in my prayers today! Hugs!!!!!!!!!!! Sunshine
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