So sorry if you have been worried. Sometimes the connection around here is difficult to hang on to. I attempt to post and it disappears because my connection has been lost in the writing of it. Thank you for your patience.
I wake up each day and just keep trying. Trying to hang on to some kind of routine. Trying to help Ash feel better. Trying to stay positive. Trying to be connected to the things at home. Trying to keep up with the laundry. Trying to pull myself together. Trying to be a better me.
Then there are days like today when all of the "trying" just become a little "trying". Trying to throw myself together with a ten minute shower, no electricity any where near the mirror, and a half done make up job because I have lost the last shade of the tan I showed up with. When you feel yucky, your day is... yucky. Today I definitely feel yucky. My hair is too long. My roots are in desperate need of some color. I am still walking around with 6 nails on and 4 nails off. My feet are aching for a pedicure and there is just no pulling myself together when I feel like this. How I wish I were one of those always "put together" wives or moms. The truth is that in the best of circumstances it takes a lot of work, and I still don't achieve that "put together" look. A hospital room is not conducive to working magic on this run down, over weight, thirty something mommy. I am afraid I am not very good at being a "stay at home/hospital mom". I wasn't blessed with the face, hair, or body that can pull this thing off flawlessly(although some others do).
The good news is that Dave is 700 miles away and he doesn't have to know how bad I look. Oh, yeah the camera came yesterday. That 700 mile away thing isn't going to work for me any more. We hooked it up last night and it scared me. There I was looking at the face of this incredible man that I get to call my husband and there he was looking back at me. Tired, wrinkled, gray, and not so attractive anymore. What now? Now is when real life kicks in and those marriage vows are being put to the test. He has to look deep inside my heart to find the inner beauty that resides there and try to love that enough to look past the "shell' that I have allowed to crack and fall apart. Heaven help him cause he is going to need it!
Ashley Kate on the other hand looks great. She doesn't feel great, but her color is amazing. Her cheeks are rosy and her skin always glows with that natural tan she was born with. She too is trying to pull her self together, but that chest tube is making it a little difficult. She doesn't feel good enough to sit up today and she half heartily tried to hold a toy or two, but gave up. They are keeping her on the dry side and that makes her feel yucky and miserable, but her chest tube is still putting out too much fluid. Another 180ccs have found their way out of that left lung. We will not be moving out of the PICU until the tube is removed. The tube will not be removed until the amount of fluid exiting her chest becomes a normal, reasonable amount. For now she lays in the bed getting lazier by the day because she just can't get herself pulled together either. I rub her feet and exercise her little legs while she lays still. I sing songs and make her hands and arms do the motions with me trying to give her some sort of movement, but she doesn't really appreciate me for that. I keep trying with her anyway.
Its just one of those "trying" days for us here in Omaha. Longing to be home, to be outside, to be anywhere but here. I guess its on days like today that trying to find the part of His plan that needs to be fulfilled in my life gets a little "trying".