Wait and See

This is our plan. Wait and see what happens. Ash has a pericardial effusion and a plural effusion. Basically as a result of the extra weight and fluid she is carrying because of her rejection treatment. As I understand it an effusion is a collection of fluid. There is a small amount in her pericardial sack and some around her left lung. Options? We are waiting to see if we can diffuse them with lasix. I won't even consider the other option of tapping into them at this point. They haven't asked to and we aren't going there. We discussed my fears and with good reason they understand why I fear those words.

The CT also showed that the ilius(stall or stationary predicament of her bowel) remains. The numetosis(?) remains as well. That is the infection or bacteria in the wall of her intestine causing much of the distention and swelling of her abdomen. We are waiting these two conditions out as well.

The scope will give me a visual to compare to what we saw a few days ago. The biopsy results will be in tomorrow to tell us if the treatment has worked.

Ash is sleeping. So hard that she snores (or more than likely is snoring because of all the extra fluids). She looks enormous. None of her clothes stretch around her. It is very sad for me to see her this way. Her eyes are squinty and slanted because her face has morphed into something very large. She continues to claw her skin until it bleeds and her hands and feet continue to peel or sluff. She looks so sad and there is nothing I can do about. She is grumpy and irritable. I miss her sweet smile, her laugh, and her twinkle.

It is such a struggle not to take this out on Dave. I am so frustrated and it shows during our conversations. He is back home working, raising kids, and running schedules. I am here waiting, sitting, soothing our baby, and feeling abandoned. I know its ridiculous, but its honest. What a distance and strain these situations can instantly place on a marraige. Thankfully we are as solid as they come and we can try and understand each other's frustrations. He is working on getting me a car so that I might be able to take care of the necessary things of life and I am working on getting friends to sit with Ash while running those errands. I am sure it will all work out, but it can get so stressful when you throw it all on top of things like effusions, infections, rejection, scopes, and biopsies. Its just everyday life and some times its hard.

More than anything it is the "wait and see" approach that has gotten to me today. I'm still learning to be good at that.