Guilt

Wow...its such an ugly thing. Keeping me awake every single night since her accident. There is no escaping it. I wish, I wish, I wish I would have NEVER taken her up to her room that night. What was I thinking! As Ash's mom I've spent a full 6 years doing everything humanly possible to keep her safe and to spare her as much pain as possible. Obviously I failed at that last week.

Overall, Ash is doing amazing. She is so incredibly strong. So strong. Her face changes daily. Swelling, shifting, bruising, shape,etc. has been rapidly changing. This morning she looks pretty good.

We saw two dentists last week. The first met us at the car not asking us to take Ash out and looked to the best of his ability inside of her mouth. His words "This is bad. I can't do anything with this. Call this guy and see if he can help." An honest assessment, but not really what we were hoping to hear. The second looked at her and said, "I can't really do anything right now. The trauma is to new and she needs to be on antibiotics for 7-10 days before I can even look inside of there." We knew some kind of assessment had to be done. She had loose and dangling teeth inside of a torn, cut, and badly damaged mouth. We encouraged him to at least see if any of the teeth were ready to come out because although we knew the pain would be great we did not want her choking on them in her sleep. With some extra hep holding her down he was able to get inside and pull the loose teeth. Then we left and started her on IV antibiotics with a return appointment scheduled for this Thursday.

Neither dentist is exactly sure what the course will be from here. Possible surgical repair, although we all hope not. Possible loss of another permanent front tooth. They said it could be up to 6 months before we know what teeth are going to die and what are going to survive. They are consulting with some colleagues to develop a plan to implant teeth in the places where permanent ones have been lost. Maybe root canals, maybe a few other issues. They just can't say yet.

Her mouth does look better each day. It is still actively bleeding and we are pretty sure she needed to be stitched up that night in the ER, but they were pretty much afraid of her. No one wanted to do much of anything with her. I understand why they were all hesitant, but she's still bleeding 5 days after the accident. Really scary stuff.

She is happy. Like always. Ash has a spirit that can't be quenched. She loves life. Even on the harder days.

I hate her chair. HATE it. I thought I hated her in it before, I'm terrified of using it now. She is fiercely independent. Loves the freedom it has afforded her, but it scares me. I am haunted by the sounds of her fall, the screams that followed, the images of the blood and teeth left on the floor, the sight of her trapped, face down underneath the chair. I am beyond grateful and amazed that she was spared any fractures of her face. Totally the hand of God on her once again. I pray every night that God would help me forget the sounds. I can't sleep because I hear it in my head again and again and it breaks my heart that she endured such a fall. I won't put her back in the chair. Not when I'm here. Dave and my mom insist on allowing her to use it. It makes her so happy. I just can't have her in it when I'm in the house. She is much safer on the floor than in the chair.

Today we started looking for contractors to give us an idea of the costs of raising the floors in our family room. If I'm ever going to have her back in that chair it has to be one level in our home. I never want to put her at risk ever again.

Its been a nightmare of a week. Total nightmare, but Ashley Kate handled it with her fierce love for her life and just kept on going and going and going. Thursday won't be fun for any of us, but it is necessary and I'm hoping for it to give us some more direction.